Sick Cycle Carousel

I can't write now because I am afraid I will say something I shouldn't. I tend to put my heart and thoughts and wishes right out there and I'm suddenly afraid they'll be seen. I tend to be too quick to tell people what I think and believe and feel -- and more than once I've been completely wrong, and look back just days later with a laugh and realize how silly I was.

I think I know what's in my heart, but my heart is always wrong. Maybe the problem is in those first two words: I think. I'm not the kind of person who can stop thinking. I wish I could be impulsive and reckless and...what was it Shelley and I used to be? Spontaneous. Back then, spontaneous was driving to the beach without a blanket, or heading to the mall when we were supposed to go to the library.

I could take a leap.

...or a chance.

...or....spend another year without a hand to hold.

It never stops. Sigh.

End of the Summer

I'll bet you thought I forgot all about you.  I didn't.  I swear.

I've actually been writing posts for months, but not posting them.  I had a folder of half-written thoughts and I'm going to try to complete them.  Some of them are timeless and some are a snapshot of a day, probably months ago.

I had an interesting summer, which really started all the way back in April.  There were cruises (The Caribbean!  Alaska!).  There were visits with friends and family (California!  Virginia!).  There were business trips (Vegas!  Twice!).  There was the idea of a guy, and then there wasn't.  There were concerts and baseballs games and road trips and sunny days.  I took up jogging.  I ran in a race.  I had fun.

Its time to settle into fall again.  School has started -- I'm already panicking about a statistics midterm -- and hockey starts tomorrow.  It's time for normal to begin again.

Song For a Future Generation

Also from July...

I just spent an extraordinary long weekend in Southern California.  It's wonderful to be able to check in with my oldest friends and take a new mental snapshot of where they are these days.  The children just keep growing, despite my pleas to stop feeding them, and they are really wonderful little people.  

 

My best friend's son has discovered music and his world has gotten a little bigger. It's a joy to watch.  He's an encyclopedia of little facts and background on the bands and the songs, much like I was at that age. 

One of my favorite moments happened driving the two kids to the movies, flying down the freeway, with the radio blasting the same station I listen to as a kid, he and I singing together in the car (his little sister in the back seat making faces at us).  I loved that day.

Sweetest Thing

From July...

I can only try to explain where my head has been lately.  I spent a good part of the summer imagining a different life for myself.  That's the way it is with me; I get an idea and next thing you know I'm off and running with little room left for reality.  I've invented a different life complete with a new supporting cast of characters.  It's silly, really.  Aren't you supposed to actually live your life, and not just imagine it?  It's like I think I can will things to happen, completely without outside participation.  Things just don't work that way.

 

I think I've always been a glass-half-full kind of person.  I'd much rather focus on the things I do have than the things I don't.  These things will happen or they won't, right?  I'm always open to the possibilities out there.  No matter how hard I wish for the elusive time machine so I can jump into the future and see how it all turns out, no amount of imagining will make that so.

 

Here's what I do have: a lot of friends, new and old that make my life fun to live.  A history with some of them that goes back over two decades, that is completely immune to the lapses of time that go by while my regular life unwinds.  A normal email and accompanying response can result in merciless teasing across a continent.  I love that.  There are new people in my life too, who are slowly becoming a part of my day-to-day plans.  It's really nice.  Sometimes it's hard to blend the old and the new and the near and the far, but I like thinking no matter where I go, I'll always find a friend.

All I Want

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if she sat still. Would she fall into a deep, exhausted sleep?  Would she scream as though her skin was boiling?  Would she disappear into a puff of smoke, because she only exists when her to-do list is long and her feet and mind are racing?

I want to tell her to slow down. I want to tell her to enjoy these moments, the ones when her kids are displaying their blooming personalities.  To stop telling them to be quiet or go away or to just...stop.  She doesn't know what it will be like when they grow up and go and the days are filled with quiet.  I could try to tell her but she won't listen because I really don't know what it's like, as my house has never been filled with that kind of noise.

I love her anyway, and am looking forward to the days when we can travel and see a little more of the world.  When her world is quiet and I can teach you how to make her own noise.

Song for the Dumped

I haven't been dumped.  I just love this song and felt like I needed to make people aware of it's wonderfulness.  It's a little PG-13 so don't play it for the kids.  I find the lyrics funny and the music great -- it's almost too joyous to be from the perspective of a guy who just got dumped.  I think in the 5 stages of grieving he's probably in "anger."  Joyous anger.

Magnificent

Saturday was the Komen Race for the Cure here in Raleigh. My mom and I walked in the early, women-only race that preceeded the "big" race.

The picture above was our vantage point as we got underway -- the balloon arch in the distace is the starting line.

We had over 20k people involved and raised almost $2 million. This is the largest race of any kind in NC and ranks #25 out of 120 RFTC events held annually. I love being a part of something so big -- it makes me feel a little less small.

Sunday Morning

First things first: Rebecca -- this is not at all directed at you -- but your recent post did give me the idea.

I am not a morning person. I think that if I could do my job at night I could do it in half the time, not just because no one would be bugging me but because I have more energy and am more focused. I'd really never need to see the light of day. During the crazy year I spent in the dorms at SSU, my regular time for sleeping was 3am to noon -- it just worked for me and there was no time clock to punch or deadline I couldn't work around. That year I really slept well.

Sleeping is always an issue for me. I used to have a borderline-phobia about sleeping on Sundays -- Monday always felt like the first day of school and I'd get very anxious. That finally went away but I still have nights where I spend more time awake than asleep. I'm sure that's why mornings are just so hard for me -- if I truly slept than maybe getting out of bed wouldn't be so hard.

I think being a morning person is a little like being a vegetarian or a Yankees fan -- there's a little bit of self-importance that goes along with it. I know all that "early to bed, early to rise" stuff, but as a relatively late sleeper and late stayer-upper, I don't think I'm any better or worse than someone who wakes at 5am every day. I don't think everyone has that attitude -- I'm surrounded by these people in my life -- but there is enough of it out there to annoy me.

Please don't hate me because I like to sleep in. I'm not a bad person.

Nobody's Diary

A friend recently said she had considered shutting down her blog and it made me kind of sad. She said Facebook is really where everyone is these days and while she's completely right, it's not the same. I love all the people that I have found again and the actual repairing of relationships long since thought dead and gone that can be attributed to that magic spiderweb.

It is true that that's where "everyone" is these days, but it's only the soundbite version of what's going on in people's lives. You can keep up with the day-to-day chatter -- what they're watching on tv, what they're doing this weekend, and see a status change from "In a Relationship" to simply "Single."

What you don't get are the stories about the real things, big and small. Stress over a loved one who is sick. The funny things kids do and say. The story behind a breakup. The challenges in a new marriage. The wonder of a walk on a beautiful day.

I'm sure it's not the same for everyone, but it's an outlet I think I need. I know there are only about 4 of you out there and while I appreciate every one of you, most of this is either stuff you've already heard me say, something you already know, something mundane that isn't important in the scheme of things, or my own passive-aggressive attempt to get a message out into the universe to see if it comes back to me.

By the way, that last one doesn't work.

So, I'll keep writing my little thoughts and maybe once in a while you will read them and be happy because you know something about me that only a few other people know. Things I would never put in the wide open world of Facebook.

Answering Bell

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

I wasn't a texter.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

I thought it was one more noise in an over-orchestrated world.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

I don't realize I've been holding my breath until I hear it.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Somewhere out there -- someone is thinking about me Right This Minute.

When it's silent, I know the opposite is true as well.

It's magic and yet.....

I wish I'd never turned it on.

I'm Little But I'm Loud

I've been listening to music with new ears lately. A couple of weeks ago I went out to karaoke with friends and while I didn't sing (and really never plan to -- I think I'd be sick on the spot) I did have fun trying to figure out what songs were "good" for that. Which would be the least embarassing if put on the spot? There aren't many, and to my horror they all seem to be country songs.

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

About two weeks ago a couple of really interesting things happened. I remembered a little bit of who I used to be. I had a wonderful weekend with new-old friends. I smiled so much my cheeks hurt for days. My office mate asked who the "new girl" was because apparently she's not used to me being so happy.

It was the confluence of several different things that woke me up. I suddenly had all kinds of nervous energy and Could Not Sit Still. So, one morning I woke up, tied on my tennis shoes and hit the road. Forty-five minutes later I had walked 2 1/2 miles. The next day I went 3 1/2 miles. I walked and walked and walked. By the end of the week I had gone 15 miles. It's now been two weeks and I have new shoes, a ton of blisters and I've walked, at last count, 31 miles.

It's going to get hot soon and I'm not sure how many more weeks I'll be able to keep going. I've heard it takes 21 days to make or break a habit and this is one I'd like to keep up. There are treadmills at the gym but it really isn't quite the same. I've been exploring my neighborhood and have people I wave to every day. The day of a Canes game I was wearing my Matty Cullin shirt and had about 15 people honk at my on their way home.

While I'm waiting for the next magical weekend, you can find me out there, wandering the streets of Riverside. I think I belong out there.

Details in the Fabric

I have a theory about the rampant growth of Facebook. For years we have all gotten farther apart from each other -- cell phones, working from home, email, texting, instant messaging -- things have evolved to keep us at arm's length from each other. No one really talks to each other anymore.

We all lose touch (as has been the pattern for all of time) and move on into other circles and new friends. Then these really smart kids invited a site to bring people together and the whole world has swarmed to it -- wanting to feel connected to each other again. I think it's kind of nice.

Sleeping With The Television On

I've had a crazy few weeks and a very, very fun-filled weekend. I've traveled to a battlefield, the ocean, and the desert. It doesn't matter how tired I get I simply can't sleep.

It started when I was sick a few weeks back and couldn't breathe -- I just seem to have gotten used to taking a few naps a night. I've tried Tylenol PM, cough syrup and going to bed earlier (not to mention much later).

I've always slept with the TV on -- for years and years and years. I think tonight I'll try something else. Silence. It always makes my mind race and I don't really need to encourage that, but it's worth a try.

I need the clarity that comes with rest - or maybe a good think.

Fool to Think

I've been alone for a long time. When I left my last long-term relationship I thought eventually I would find another one and never expected that just wouldn't happen. I'd always been pretty lucky in love in the insulated worlds of high school and college but I guess that was like shooting fish in a barrel. The real world is a big ol' ocean and much trickier to navigate.

Please don't misunderstand. I've made great friends along the way and have built a life that I truly love. I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all -- I've just accepted my life as it is -- but everyone once in a while I'll feel like something is missing. Like I've forgotten to eat lunch or lost my keys, but of course, bigger. I'll meet someone and think, hmmmm, is this what I'm missing?...and I haven't been right yet.

I wonder if people who have all of the parts put together ever feel this way? Is this the kind of thing where whatever you have, you always want something else? The green is greener, so to speak? I'd love to find out for myself.

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

You Might Die Trying

To change the world, start with one step.

However small, the first step is hardest of all.

I've always been really interested in history and the events that formed our country (hence my woefully underused political science degree!). That's why I jumped at the chance to go to Gettysburg with my oldest friend, explore a bit and do a little good at the same time. There is an organization of people from the travel industry who pick a historical site each year that needs some care and attention and donate their time and labor.








My team's task at the Spangler Farm was to demolish all of the "non-historic vegetation" (I love that term). Basically, we needed to yank out everything extra that has grown there for the last 150 years. The property has remained in private hands since the war and was surrounded by protected parts of the battlefield. After being kept separate it will now be part of the public trust and eventually everyone will get to see this place that served as a field hospital where a famous general died and hundreds slept in the fields, in wool coats, in July, in the rain, for days while waiting for surgeons to attend to their wounds.





By the end of the day we all had uncountable bruises, thorn pricks, scrapes and a little sunburn, but we had also cleared everything but the trees from a tree line a couple hundred feet long and about 30 feet deep. It was just the first day on a project that will likely take a couple of years.

The landscape there is incredible. In a world where urban sprawl is everywhere, this little hamlet has remained almost exactly as it was. I really felt like I got to appreciate the area in a much different way than if I was just a tourist. There was a woman who approached us in the town square the evening after the event. She was on the board of one of the preservation groups, and she walked over to us with tears in her eyes. She was so overwhelmed by the number of people who came and how much we accomplished. You could tell the people who live there really feel like they have a responsibility to preserve that piece of our history. It really was an honor to be able to help them, even if only for a day.

Chains of Love

I have a very short commute to work. It's about 10 miles but only takes 12-16 minutes, depending on the light at my house. On my way, there is a walking overpass over the freeway. For the few years people have been putting messages up there, putting plastic cups in the chain link fence. There have been some really creative ones....


IT'S OURS (complete with a depiction of the Stanley Cup)

PROM?

Happy New Year

Turkeys!


And the one that made the least sense but made everyone slow down...

BOOB!

(Seriously, why would you write that with red plastic cups on an overpass?)


Tonight on my way home I could see the kids up there with cups, getting ready for a new message. We've already had 2 different colored prom proposals in recent weeks.

I wonder what's next?

Hey Sister Pretty

This is Zoey. She had surgery a couple of weeks ago and while she is now perfectly fine, she was a little stinky and couldn't have a bath until her stiches came out. This finally happened yesterday.

So this morning I filled up the bathtub in the guest room, which she knows is for her. When I went looking for her all I found was her back legs.

I talked her out from under the bed and she had her bath. She now smells much better. The thing is, I don't think she's talking to me anymore.

Little Brother

All my life I have had pets. When I was very young, I think for my 6th birthday, I got a puppy. I named her Gina (Princess Gina to be precise - I even made her a construction paper crown). For reasons I'm still not entirely clear about, she was renamed Sage.

Sage and I grew up together. We watched my parents get divorced and traded houses every Wednesday for a summer. We moved to 6 new houses in 3 years. At some point I started looking at colleges but couldn't imagine leaving her behind. In the end she left me. Her life spanned some of my earliest memories all the way through my packing to leave home.

The summer of the divorce, my mom get a cat. She was a beautiful little creature. We found out when she was a few years old that she was a different breed then we first believed. [We thought she was Siamese but she was actually Tonkinese - it's a real thing. You can look it up.] When Sage died, Kaytee (the cat) was very lonely. The vet said she was depressed and that we should get her a kitten. Turned out she didn't really want to be anyone's mommy, but she wasn't lonely anymore. It took her a while to warm up to Willie but eventually they were like two peas in a pod (or two kittens in a drawer).


Kaytee lived to be 18 years old. By the end she was a creaky old lady, but still very sweet. She's been gone for a couple of years now. Two weeks ago, we lost our sweet boy Willie, at the age of 15. This is how I imagine they will be always be.

My Boyfriend's Back

I've had a rough few days. School, regular work, problems with work, the anniversary of my grandfather's death -- just many things on my mind.

My escape from the day-to-day-ness of my life is hockey. The Canes have been up and down for weeks, hovering between relevance and well, not being very good.

Last night they played the Washington Capitals (my father's team) and it wasn't even on TV. I spent the whole day looking forward to coming home and watching the boys play. Instead I got UVA vs Clemson. So not the same thing.

Today was the trade deadline for the NHL. 3pm came and went with no news for the Canes. About 3:45 one of my funniest coworkers came in and told me there was a deal pending. As the pieces came together, the news went from odd, to sad, to absolutely fantastic. My boyfriend's back.

I'll Be Alright Without You

Last night I went to a hockey game, and while I was there I sort of went on someone else's first date. I suspect it will be their last as well. I was sitting next to a couple who were about my age, so let's say mid-30s. It's not important in general, but it is to the story -- he was white and she was black.

The first few minutes of the game they were talking about the rules of the game. She hadn't been to a game in a few years and he had never been at all. (I wonder what made them think this would be a good thing for them to do on their first date?) This got them through the first 10 minutes or so. She was actually asking me a bunch of questions and then passing along the answers to him.

About halfway through the first period he said "I was going to mention it during dinner, but I saw an interesting show on the National Geographic channel the other day. It was about how virus are created and get mutated to make us sick each year." His tale was heavy on mucous and germs. I thought to myself, "I'll bet she's glad he didn't bring that up during dinner."

From there they (logically) moved on to evolution. He strongly believes in it. She's apparently very religious and is more of a creationist. He then tried to talk her out of her strongly held beliefs, to no avail. She mentioned that she actually had to be at church at 6:30 the next morning to help with a church breakfast. He asked if she could skip it so they could go out to drinks after the game. She said no, she sticks to her commitments.

In the second period the discussion moved on to work. She hopes to stop working so late every day, but really, she's very busy and can't ever do anything during the week. Ever. He works at a small company and doesn't know who the owner is but likes that he has a coworker who brings in a griddle on Friday's and makes everyone pancakes.

Her family is up north; she was happy to grow up in the suburbs of Boston with a swimming pool and lots of friends. He was an Army brat and only talks to his mom and paternal grandmother. There are other relatives, but there's been a falling out and he doesn't talk to them much any more. He wanted to join the Army his whole life, but someone talked him out of it and he's still mad at them. He's very patriotic; she said she was too. He said that normal families don't understand that the way military families do. There's just no comparison.

Up to this point, all of the chatter is pretty basic getting-to-know-you stuff. Biographical. Awkward. I'm thinking they must have met online, because he has pictures of her. In fact, he says, he showed her pictures to his mom. His mom said she was "real pretty" and, he added happily, his mom didn't have a problem with him dating her.

She was sitting to my right and actually nudged me with her elbow. Did he really just say that?

Within a couple of minutes she started talking about being very tired and hoping the Canes would score again so that they could go ahead and leave. I actually left early and don't know how it all ended. I suspect he probably won't be seeing her again. Ever.

Oh yeah -- the Canes won, 2-0.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me

No hope, no harm, just another false alarm

I really did, and I woke up this morning trying to figure out who he was. The best I could piece together is he was a bit younger (maybe 25? 30?) and we had some sort of music video romance at a Starbucks. Anyone know who this rock & roll Romeo might be?

City of Blinding Lights

Washington DC is my favorite city to visit. I could silently walk among the monuments for days and think about the path of our history. My favorite is the Jefferson Memorial. I would love to sit under that dome and read his words for hours, but for some reason it is always rushed. People I take to Washington want to see Washington and Lincoln; old Jefferson is out of the way and an afterthought. When I was studying political science in college I had to take a lot of theory and philosophy classes. Just about every paper I wrote was based on either Jefferson or Martin Luther King Jr. I just love their words.

We all have such hopes for the world. We all have ideas about how we think things could be better, or different, or things we want to keep exactly the same. It's something we are taught as young Americans, that we are free, that we can make a difference, that what we think matters. Today mattered.

I hope we are finally going to past the fear and uncertainty of the past seven years (because it really all started on 9/11), take a breath, and move on. After long years of war, a million voices gathered together on the mall to declare peace. It won't happen in a day, or a month, or a year. Coming together and renouncing, so visibly, the path we've been on was hopefully a sign of good times to come.

Same Old Lang Syne

I've always expected too much from New Year's Eve. Maybe it's the portrayal in movies like When Harry Met Sally and on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin Eve. Maybe it's because my early ones were memorable and I learned to expect too much. Over the years I've learned to not build it up. But still, I hope for at least a good night and for something exciting to happen. I also get a bit nostalgic. This year in particular, with all of the re-friending I've done on Facebook, I'm remembering times long passed.

One year someone told me they loved me, but it was too little, too late.

Another year someone told me they loved me, but it was too much, too soon.

Yet another year I was so sure I was In Love. The real thing - signed, sealed, delivered. Alas, I was not. Or I should say he was not. (I'm still pretty sure that I was.)

One year was spent in the desert. One year was spent in a apartment high over Central Park. One was spent out at the beach driving through Christmas lights on the sand. A bunch were spent in bars with friends all over the North Bay.

Several have been spent at hockey games -- a little excitement and I'm home before midnight -- although this year I made a detour and saw the clock turn with new friends. Old traditions + new friends = good night.

Every year I think about where I'm going and where I've been. I always am farther along than I thought with much farther to go. I make a few resolutions and usually break them all before I've really tried. I always say this year will be different. Will it?