Fool to Think

I've been alone for a long time. When I left my last long-term relationship I thought eventually I would find another one and never expected that just wouldn't happen. I'd always been pretty lucky in love in the insulated worlds of high school and college but I guess that was like shooting fish in a barrel. The real world is a big ol' ocean and much trickier to navigate.

Please don't misunderstand. I've made great friends along the way and have built a life that I truly love. I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all -- I've just accepted my life as it is -- but everyone once in a while I'll feel like something is missing. Like I've forgotten to eat lunch or lost my keys, but of course, bigger. I'll meet someone and think, hmmmm, is this what I'm missing?...and I haven't been right yet.

I wonder if people who have all of the parts put together ever feel this way? Is this the kind of thing where whatever you have, you always want something else? The green is greener, so to speak? I'd love to find out for myself.

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

You Might Die Trying

To change the world, start with one step.

However small, the first step is hardest of all.

I've always been really interested in history and the events that formed our country (hence my woefully underused political science degree!). That's why I jumped at the chance to go to Gettysburg with my oldest friend, explore a bit and do a little good at the same time. There is an organization of people from the travel industry who pick a historical site each year that needs some care and attention and donate their time and labor.








My team's task at the Spangler Farm was to demolish all of the "non-historic vegetation" (I love that term). Basically, we needed to yank out everything extra that has grown there for the last 150 years. The property has remained in private hands since the war and was surrounded by protected parts of the battlefield. After being kept separate it will now be part of the public trust and eventually everyone will get to see this place that served as a field hospital where a famous general died and hundreds slept in the fields, in wool coats, in July, in the rain, for days while waiting for surgeons to attend to their wounds.





By the end of the day we all had uncountable bruises, thorn pricks, scrapes and a little sunburn, but we had also cleared everything but the trees from a tree line a couple hundred feet long and about 30 feet deep. It was just the first day on a project that will likely take a couple of years.

The landscape there is incredible. In a world where urban sprawl is everywhere, this little hamlet has remained almost exactly as it was. I really felt like I got to appreciate the area in a much different way than if I was just a tourist. There was a woman who approached us in the town square the evening after the event. She was on the board of one of the preservation groups, and she walked over to us with tears in her eyes. She was so overwhelmed by the number of people who came and how much we accomplished. You could tell the people who live there really feel like they have a responsibility to preserve that piece of our history. It really was an honor to be able to help them, even if only for a day.

One Sweet World

Can you imagine a world where no one needs anything? There are 46 million people in the US who don't have health insurance. 17 million people need food in the Horn of Africa. People in Texas still can't go home. It's overwhelming to think of all the people in the world who need something. Sometimes it feels like it's just too much and that one person could never make a difference. Thank goodness that isn't true.

I've talked in this space about Kiva before, but it's been a while. In the "old days" you and several other people would each loan someone out in the world $25 and over several months they would pay it back in little bits. Once you had your $25 back you could lend it to someone else. For Americans, $25 is dinner and a movie. Recently they stopped waiting for full payment before you could loan the money out again. Almost every day I get a notice that I have $2.08 available or $3.47 -- once it adds up to $25 I can use to help another person.

Here's the thing, since they started turning over the money so much faster, they are funding their loans faster too. More and more people are lending money and more and more people are getting the help they need. In the last week more than $675k ($25 at a time!)was distributed around the world. It's just fabulous, except....they've run out of people to help. I logged in today and all of the loans have been funded. Very cool. I'm sure by Monday there will be more, but for one day it's nice to think everyone has what they need.

American Baby

Driving home tonight I was flying down Capital Blvd, just about the only car out there. The clock struck 9 and the sky lit up. By the time I got home I had driven past 7 different sets of fireworks from Franklin County to Wake Forest to Raleigh. It was kind of cool seeing all the small town celebrations from a distance and the bigger ones in Raleigh. Mix that with the lightning from a pretty powerful storm that just blew through and you had dueling light shows. Little dandelions of colors and then blinding white lights. Very cool.

Happy birthday America!

Where Are You Going?

Michael McCann was a great man. I adored him unabashedly. He has been my hero, my confindant, my greatest supporter and my link to a simpler, more gracious time. He grew up during the Depression and after his own father ran off, lived in a telephone office. He didn't grow up in a home with music and had a job when most kids today are playing little league.

He loved my grandmother, Betty, and through his career took her off on a life full of adventures taking them from Kokomo, Indiana, to Rio de Janiero, Tehran and Siagon. They raised two girls (one would become my mother), little diplomats in their own lives. The adventures eventually ended and Betty lost her battle with cancer, almost 20 years ago.

Though Betty would remain the great love of his life, he did marry again (twice) and spent his later years in a small town in Missouri. I've spent a lot of time there, including one week alone with him while his wife was away, just hanging out and telling stories. My favorite memory of that week was us hiding from a tornado (sirens and all) in his basement - two thrill seekers standing next to an open door with a black sky swirling outside.

All of us, mom, Gail, Seth, Aaron and I were very, very lucky to have learned so much from him about his life, the world, and how to really tell people how you feel about them. Above all, be kind, be courteous, be careful...and don't be mean.

He left us Monday. I hope that if there is a way for him to be with my grandmother again he has found her. I miss him already.

Where are you going, where do you go?
Are you looking for answers, to questions under the stars?
If along the way you are growing weary, you can rest with me
until a brighter day
It’s okay, where are you going, where do you go?
I am no superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing for sure
Is where you are, is where I belong
I do know, where you go, is where I want to be
Dave Matthews Band

Ants Marching

Promises are made every day.

Promise to finish your homework.
Promise to call me when you get home.
Promise to love me forever.
Promise to help me stop cancer.

Cancer touches everyone at some time or another. It took my grandmother. My oldest friend's mother has battled it several times and is about to battle it again. I had a "scare" of my own recently which turned out to be nothing, but I got a glimpse into what thousands of people go through every single day.

I work in a company that is 90% women. There are more than 150 of us. Statistics show that 1 in 8 women will have breast cancer in their lifetime. That means roughly 19 of us -- so far there have been at least 8. Seven have fought it successfully.

My stepfather Wayne has a wife, two daughters, three granddaughters, a mother, a sister, four nieces and a ton of aunts. What are the odds there?

A few weeks ago I walked in the Race for the Cure here in Raleigh. Twenty-two thousand survivors, and their families and friends walked to raise money for Komen for the Cure. Walking down Hillsborough Street by Meredith College and looking around to see the endless horizon of thousands and thousands of people, like little pink and white ants. The pink ones are miraculous.

I walked with Phyllis (a survivor), and my friends Beth and Sue. I don't have a lot of money to give but I have my feet and some time...I'll do this every year for as long as I can.

So Much To Say

This may be the longest vacation of all time...at least in posts. I've been home for 5 weeks and I'm still not done. I'm actually starting to forget...

Washington DC was so much fun. We got tickets for a open-top double-decker bus that had stops all over the city. Our first big stop was the Natural History Museum. We saw tarantulas eating and dinosaurs and the Hope Diamond (I think I'm the only one who wanted to see the diamond). Later we drove around the city and saw Ford's Theater and the National Cathedral (someday I really want to go inside) and Georgetown.

Our walk through the monuments was exciting for the kids. All day long they asked when we were going to see Abraham Lincoln. We actually had a little game each night that started out with the old Walton's joke...goodnight Kaitlyn, goodnight Christian, goodnight Auntie Heather....goodnight George Washington, goodnight Abraham Lincoln, goodnight Thomas Jefferson...for just being six years old Kaitlyn knows a LOT of presidents.

After we got back to the car we drove over to my favorite of the monuments -- the one for Thomas Jefferson. When I was in college I took three or four political philosophy classes and had to study a lot of the work of the founding fathers. His words move me and to stand in such a beautiful space surrounds by his words...it just inspires me.