Your Song

Today I feel like singing. It doesn't happen often (singing in the car doesn't count). I usually feel like singing when I have something to say but feel like I need someone else's words to help me get out whatever it is on my mind. What is strange this time is that I'm not really sure what it is I'm trying to say.

This space out in the universe where no one really pays attention used to be my place to get things off my chest, but for months now I've ignored this side of me. I felt like no one was listening and I felt like everyone could read my thoughts, all at the same time. With so much percolating right there under the surface it feels a little dangerous, putting stuff out there. This spot, that's all my own, was someting I avoided because I was afraid of what I'd say.

So where have I been lately?

...growing into my responsibilities and learning that I don't always have to be the good guy. I don't like being the bad guy in any given situation but as long as I try to stay fair, things usually work out.

...completely alone in a crowd of people. I'm able to have a lovely time with friends but still end up feeling like no one needed me to be there. I'm just an extra in everyone's movie and my name doesn't even make the closing credits.

...like a work in progress. So the next act is unwritten, but is anyone working on the first draft? What happens next?

...hopefully I've been a good friend and daughter. Most days I'm not really sure.

So back to the singing...I have all these things bottled up and no way to get them out, so I sing when no one is listening. I search for songs that say what I need to say and hope that just thinking the words is enough. I'm not sure that it's working tonight.

I'll have to get back to you on that.

Someone Saved My Life Tonight

As is my normal condition lately, I have too much to do. It's making me grouchy. I have a to-do list at work that still has things on it from February 2007. I have a year's subscription to a genealogy site that is going to expire soon, and I only found one afternoon to investigate it. It said I was the 20th great-granddaughter of Geoffrey Chaucer. Hmmm. No time to contemplate that at all. I have tons of "projects" at work and home that a month full of Sundays could never see completed. I guess that's why it's been so hard to get excited about the holidays this year. I've got enough to balance normally without adding a bunch of parties and shopping and cooking.

I spent Thanksgiving weekend doing a variety of projects. I moved my office at work and had a bunch of work done on my car. I spent a day shopping with my mom and saw 4 movies. I cleaned my house and dragged in the Christmas decorations from the shed in the backyard, intending to spend a lazy morning decorating the next day. Instead I stayed up until 1 a.m. finishing everything -- the front yard, the back yard, the opening between the living room and kitchen (I always hang lights there), the mantle and of course, the tree. I thought that getting that done so early put me ahead of the game. I bought holiday cards (which still sit on my desk) and even made a list of people to send them to. Progress, right?

Then I got caught up in studying for my final exam and a lot of "extra" stuff going on at work and a couple of weeks slipped by. Last night my step-dad called to discuss a possible gift for my mother and I went online to investigate. Apparently there is only a WEEK to shop online to get things in time for Christmas (unless you want to pay a zillion dollars to expedite things -- by then you should just go to the mall). When the heck did that happen? We are within a week of being out of time and I completely Did Not Notice.

So this evening, on my way home from work, I was suddenly inspired. I ran to Target and did a mad-dash sweep of the store, looking for office-people presents and wrapping paper and of all things, socks, and stocking stuffers and at some point I realized you shouldn't try to do Christmas in a day. It's just no fun. I decided to go home an get organized (at least mentally) and leave the rest of the shopping for another day.

Walking towards the front of the store I passed a couple of candy aisles and saw something that just made me stop and take a deep breath. On one of the shelves I saw those books of Lifesavers -- you know the ones -- with the 10 rolls of Lifesavers in the cardboard boxes with the hinge. When I was a kid I always wanted one of those. I don't know why, I'm not particularly fond of Lifesavers and can't remember the last time I had one. For whatever reason I always wanted one and I never got one. I'm not sure how my life went from wanting something as simple as a box of candy or a new Barbie to needing a new car, trying to decide whether or not I should refinance my mortgage, and guessing which work things will get me in the least trouble if I don't do them.

I actually stood there for a minute and tried to decide whether or not I should buy one for myself now. Really, wouldn't it make everything better? I could right an imagined wrong from my childhood and move on. After all, I'm an adult and can buy myself as many Lifesavers as I may want or need. But still.....it's Christmas and a little piece of me thinks maybe, if I'm really good and get all my work done and stop complaining, that Santa might surprise me.