All I Want

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if she sat still. Would she fall into a deep, exhausted sleep?  Would she scream as though her skin was boiling?  Would she disappear into a puff of smoke, because she only exists when her to-do list is long and her feet and mind are racing?

I want to tell her to slow down. I want to tell her to enjoy these moments, the ones when her kids are displaying their blooming personalities.  To stop telling them to be quiet or go away or to just...stop.  She doesn't know what it will be like when they grow up and go and the days are filled with quiet.  I could try to tell her but she won't listen because I really don't know what it's like, as my house has never been filled with that kind of noise.

I love her anyway, and am looking forward to the days when we can travel and see a little more of the world.  When her world is quiet and I can teach you how to make her own noise.

I Will Not Take These Things For Granted

My family - specifically, my grandfather, who is sharing another holiday with us, which wasn't so certain a few weeks ago.

My friends - I'm not able to see or talk to them as often as I'd like, but I think of them every day. I've been able to spend a lot of time with most of you this year and it's meant a lot to me.

My health -- lots of weird little things this year, but at the end of the day everything is ok.

My job - that challenges me, exhausts me, makes me crazy and gives me a reason to laugh every day. I am so lucky to work with people I like.

My God-daughter - who wants a diary with a lock on it for Christmas. Remember the secrets you had when you were six years old?

I hope you are all having a safe and warm holiday with friends or family!

Love to all, Heather

Something's Always Wrong

The last few weeks have been difficult and I feel like having a good old fashioned pity party. I do know how fortunate I am and shortly I will regain my equilibrium. Tonight, I am simply bummed out. I can't even put my finger on the reason I have the blues...

I think it may be winter doldrums, even though I love winter more than any other time of year. Well, autumn pretty much rocks too.

It could be the routine I've gotten into where nothing ever changes; which isn't even accurate because everything around me is in flux.

I've been lonely lately. My friend Linda lives here now and I've actually been getting out more, which seems to make the rest of the time somehow emptier.

It could be my performance review at work coming this week, where I will probably hear the same thing as last year, even though I really have tried to fix the thing about me that seems to bother everyone so.

Possibly it's my worry about my friend, who is now past the very scary part but needs to be watched (and I am very grateful for that) but it has worn on me and made me homesick.

The hockey season is almost over. It will be a long summer.

I'm irked by the fact that I have gone to my new gym four (four!) times a week for six weeks now and I've lost only half a pound. I've walked 25 miles. I've ridden a fake bike for 50 more. I can leg press my own body weight (I'm not telling how much that is). I've taken a cycling class that while fun and difficult, resulted in me not being able to sit down for two days. It's ok to laugh at the last one.

My last gripe: it's Wednesday

Tomorrow will be better.