Wherever You Will Go

I've spent the last week on vacation, basically checked out of my own life. I tried to stay up late, tried to sleep late, hung out (briefly) at the beach and spent a lot of time at the hotel pool. I had wonderful weather and really got to relax and just be quiet. It was a little lonely, but I enjoyed myself.

Driving home from Wilmington, I got on the opening onramp to I-40. The first mile marker sign I passed said Barstow 2554. Soon after I passed another that said Raleigh 123. The shorter path would take me home, but I quite liked knowing that if I missed the exit and drove and drove I'd still be headed towards home.

No Sacrifice

I listen to some music that no one else I know listens to. I am often sad that great bands who aren't celebrity driven don't always seem to make it into the public consciousness, so I buy album after album so they will know they have at least one fan out here. Sometimes, my little secrets end up turning into the Next Big Thing (see John Mayer five years ago).

Anyway, I recently got the new Theory of a Deadman cd (Scars & Souvenirs, barely in stores now). I first became aware of them several years ago during the hockey playoffs when reading a song listing on a Canadian hockey website (I really, truly am a dork when it comes to hockey. I told you.*). As a result, their music tends to put me in a hockey mood. The last track on the new cd is an absolutely perfect hockey song. Some of the lyrics:

Everybody expects me to break but I'll never break down again
Everybody expects me to give up but you'll never see me giving in
Everybody wants me to lose but I'll never lose who I am
No I'm sorry to say There'll be no sacrifice today

Really athlete-ish, isn't it? I even thought about emailing the Canes and suggesting they add this to the rotation during games (they play the same 20 songs every game and I'm a little sick of Cotton Eye Joe). I was so happy today when I saw a commercial for the OLYMPICS that used No Sacrifice. Someone else with a little pull must have heard the same thing. It just brought a smile to my face. Maybe I'm not their only fan.


*Please note it has been exactly 2 months and 1 week since my last hockey mention. I am trying. However, I'd like to point out the Canes drafted two guys named Zach this weekend, and one more named Michal Jordan. I suspect he'll play his minor league hockey for Carolina, then be traded to Chicago as soon as he makes the big team. He'll end his career playing for the Caps.

Good Stuff

In searching for the perfect post title I sometimes have to dig through my cd collection of my mp3 player. Because I was posting about girls I knew in high school I was looking for something time and place appropriate. A little web searching brought up a lit of the top 100 songs in those years (1989 wasn't such a bad year). I was horrified to be reminded of such lyrical magic as "The Humpty Dance," "I Wanna Sex You Up," and "I Touch Myself." Good times. There is also a whole lot of Mariah Carey, Paula Abdul and New Kids on the Block. Everything old is new again.

Deadbeat Club

I read an article recently that discussed how school reunions (and as a result, alumni fundraising) are hurting because of sites like My Space, Facebook, and blogs. If you don't lose touch with people in the first place, there is no mystery to push you to go to a school sponsored event, where they can then pump you for money. It's an interesting problem but I always thought reunions were more of a high school thing, and not necessarily about fundraising. Then again, I didn't go to mine and don't know if they passed the hat. My college doesn't do them.

This morning, a friend I haven't seen in 15 years or so proposed the idea of a bunch of us getting back together. (Of course, we all found each other again on My Space.) I think it would be fun -- except for the 3000 mile trip to get there -- and hope it comes together and that I'll be able to go. Most of us were in different classes so we wouldn't be going to the same reunions anyway.

It's an interesting idea, getting together with a bunch of people you haven't seen in so long. How do you catch up 15 years in one night? Or more importantly, how much weight can I lose first?

[Note: High school was all about the B52s (for dancing) and Depeche Mode (for kissing) -- I think I've since seen them both at least 5 times. The most memorable was a trip with Eddeane and Michele and 2 other random people to someplace in Hollywood. The opening act was Love Tractor. We had to leave early for my mom to drive us home. I think I got in trouble because we were late meeting her at the car.]

Every Breath You Take

Back when I was in high school Kim and I had one way to find out what everyone was up to -- you drove by their house, over and over, hoping for someone to come outside or walk past a window so you could see if they were home. OK, so it sounds like stalking but it really wasn't, and I don't think we were the only people who were doing it. For years after we would run the same path across town, going by Kari's house and Tressa's house and Jimmy's house and David's house and Gino's house (always, always Gino's house).

Age everyone a dozen years or so...people come and go and move on to the next stop in their lives. None of my friends (or non-friends, or ex-boyfriends) live in those houses anymore. I'm sure no one's parents live in those houses anymore. We've gotten past that now and when I'm home we no longer stalk the citizens of Anaheim. I don't think Kim, who still lives in the same neighborhood, ever gives a second thought to who used to live where. For me, it's the only think I think about....Deaner lives a couple of blocks over there, Jason lived in that cul-de-sac and that's the house (on a very busy street you can't avoid) where someone once asked me to marry him "someday" -- we told our parents and everything -- we were 17. The city is full of memories and when I go home I look around an wonder....

With the evolution of Google, and My Space and all those other networking sites, you no longer need to drive around wondering where everyone went. As my old friend Shelley said (who I haven't actually laid eyes on since 1992), My Space has turned into Loara Space. Eddeane still has the same car, and a half-grown son. Carrie's hair is still curlier than mine (if you can imagine that). A boring afternoon Googling random names turned up both my ex-bf's little brother's impending wedding (complete with picture of ex-bf...and his wife), as well of the wedding site of my college roommate (complete with pics of this girl I now barely recognized). The boy from half a lifetime ago is married and expecting a baby girl of his own.

Friends come and go. Some are meant to always be in your life -- you grow with each other and little disagreements are just that. Others are in your life for just a short while and serve a purpose -- for one night, at a job, for a summer, for just one year. A misunderstanding can end the whole relationship, like a collapsing house of cards. It used to be that was that -- hurt pride and days go by, a friend gets lost for good. Until a few years go by and suddenly they're back. No more wondering.


PS Will someone please post some more wedding pictures? I want to see more!

Walking in My Shoes

I walked 3 miles for all the women I care about...

...and then I came home and took a 5 hour nap.

Fixing a Hole

"Who is going to explain everything to us now?"

That was my mother's reaction this afternoon when I asked her if she had heard the news about the death of Tim Russert. She was so upset she all but hung up on me.

When I got the "breaking news" email this afternoon I actually gasped. Beth asked me, what's wrong? I almost couldn't tell her; I knew she would be as upset as I was. We sat in our office, stunned, for the rest of the afternoon. Wendy called from home once she found out about it -- all of us interested in the world, in politics, in the personalities at NBC News.

For months I've gone to my class at the gym on Tuesday nights with an eye on the clock, knowing what time that day's primary polls were closing, knowing I was going to go home and spent a cozy evening with Tim, Keith, Chris and cousin Brian.

I've had a love for politics and policy for about 16 years now -- I can trace it back to a certain day in a certain class in another life of mine. Watching MTP wasn't really a cool thing to do with my college friends -- I always felt like it was my dirty little secret. Sunday is always my "sleep in" day and somehow I am always awake in time for Tim (and on a slow news day, the Sports Reporters). It's like dessert for breakfast. Sort of like how other people like to spend Sunday morning reading the New York Times or working on a crossword puzzle. Every week I get an email telling me who is going to get grilled on Meet the Press and I announce it to anyone who I think will care. My DVR has been set to record it for a couple of years now, just in case I oversleep.

How will this ever be the same? It certainly won't be as much fun.

Blonde Over Blue

I've had this hair all my life.

Leaving Las Vegas

I'm sitting in the Las Vegas airport waiting to go home. I'm still sunburned and I'm tired - body and mind. I learned a lot of thinks I don't need to know, figured out my phone, and had my fancy dinner (stretch Hummers were involved along with a lot of food I can barely describe).

My plane will take me back to NC late (late!) tonight and I'll be headed to my parents to pick up Zoey. After sleeping in their guest bed, the hotel bed, Kaitlyn's bed and Kim's couch, it will be VERY nice to sleep in my own bed Friday night. I can't remember the last time I was so happy to be leaving Las Vegas.

*Note: I actually wrote this Thursday but for some reason it didn't post. I'm posting it now from the comfort of my own office in my own house.

Since U Been Gone

I've been away a while. I've been kind of busy...

There was the funeral. A trip to Indiana to see dozens of people I didn't know but who all seemed to care about my grandfather and my family (we should all be so lucky). Catching up with my cousins. The trip home that took an extra 9 hours.

A lot of work. A coworker and his wife (who have been friends of mine for years) leaving for El Salvador to pick up a long awaited addition to their family, but which left me with more work to do (and teach) while he was away. I'm not the slightest bit upset by it, but it has disrupted things for me. Learning lots of new things and figuring out how to change a bunch of things easily, but change is never easy, so it's taking too long...

The last days of the hockey season. For a while everything was peachy...then it wasn't. Things came down to the very last game, and then someone else's very last game before we really knew it was over. It was heartbreaking, but given all the other stuff I've got going on in my life right now, an easy thing to get over.

The decision to apply to grad school after 12 years of thinking about it. Signing up for a test I thought I could take easily then taking a practice test and finding this may be harder than I thought. Studying. Studying. Studying.

A trip to CA (I'm there now) followed by a business trip to Las Vegas tomorrow. A surprise fancy-pants dinner while I'm there that will require an emergency trip to the mall in the morning. Three little league games in one day and a trip to American Girl Place (wow).

Just lots of...stuff. A new phone, an old car, a sunburn. A new goal, a new dress, something to look forward to...just what I've been up to since I've been gone.

Where Are You Going?

Michael McCann was a great man. I adored him unabashedly. He has been my hero, my confindant, my greatest supporter and my link to a simpler, more gracious time. He grew up during the Depression and after his own father ran off, lived in a telephone office. He didn't grow up in a home with music and had a job when most kids today are playing little league.

He loved my grandmother, Betty, and through his career took her off on a life full of adventures taking them from Kokomo, Indiana, to Rio de Janiero, Tehran and Siagon. They raised two girls (one would become my mother), little diplomats in their own lives. The adventures eventually ended and Betty lost her battle with cancer, almost 20 years ago.

Though Betty would remain the great love of his life, he did marry again (twice) and spent his later years in a small town in Missouri. I've spent a lot of time there, including one week alone with him while his wife was away, just hanging out and telling stories. My favorite memory of that week was us hiding from a tornado (sirens and all) in his basement - two thrill seekers standing next to an open door with a black sky swirling outside.

All of us, mom, Gail, Seth, Aaron and I were very, very lucky to have learned so much from him about his life, the world, and how to really tell people how you feel about them. Above all, be kind, be courteous, be careful...and don't be mean.

He left us Monday. I hope that if there is a way for him to be with my grandmother again he has found her. I miss him already.

Where are you going, where do you go?
Are you looking for answers, to questions under the stars?
If along the way you are growing weary, you can rest with me
until a brighter day
It’s okay, where are you going, where do you go?
I am no superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing for sure
Is where you are, is where I belong
I do know, where you go, is where I want to be
Dave Matthews Band

Say Goodbye

Stillman, Commodore headed to Ottawa after trade from Carolina
Caniac Nation is freaking out a bit today. I came home and did what I do when hockey trades go down. I check out what the interwebs have to say.

It's never good when the trade headline give top billing to the players leaving your team. It's like, these two great guys have gone away to win where they can. Good luck with that, boys! Oh yeah, almost forgot. You get these two back in return. Good luck with that, Canes fans.

The Shot Heard Round the World

I heard the words before I realized what was happening.

"When in the course of human events..."

As soon as I heard them I stopped and stood still.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

These are words that put my life on this path. And made me fall in love with the ideas of Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Dr King.

"We mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor."

Today is Super Bowl Sunday. If you saw it you know these were read by football players, coaches, NYPD officers, soldiers. It was just a part of the pre-game hoopla. A national holiday for most -- I'm glad they threw it in. It made my day.

Tanzania

When I was a little girl I thought I was really, really lucky to be born a blonde, blue-eyed girl with two parents and that I was born in California, the best state in the best country in the world! Really, what are the odds? This wasn't a supremacy thing or anything like that, it's just that I knew there were people who were poor, or other races, or who spoke other languages or lived in someplace far away like Iowa (the horror!). I knew I had been blessed with an easy start. Statistically I had hit the jackpot. Like I said, I was little and my world view was, well, rather small.

As I've grown up, I've really come to realize I didn't have it all that wrong. I grew up with very fortunate circumstances. Sure, my parents divorced and money was an issue. But I've always had a place to live, food to eat and people who love me. I got a great education and I didn't have to take classes at night or work 3 jobs to do it. I've been unlucky in love (so far), but I have great friends and family and I always have something fun to do. I work really hard and feel like I've earned what I have.

There's still this little voice that tells me I've had things too easy, that other people have it so hard. I need to give something back and throughout the year I scatter token donations to the AHA, the ACS, and the USO (I really like buying phone cards for soldiers at the holidays). I walk for juvenile diabetes (for Beth) and for breast cancer (for Linda & Phyllis). My new favorite is Kiva (kiva.org). With Kiva, you get to lend money to an actual person to improve their life and then they pay you back and you can help someone else.

Some friends are very instrumental in raising money for Beacon of Hope, a charity in Africa. They put on a concert every year here in North Carolina to raise money for strangers, a half a world away. This year we were able to download some of the artists' songs before the show. The week before the concert I was in California visiting my old haunts, but listening to music that tied me back to this place and made me think about women a world away. Overlooking the beach at Bodega Head I marveled once again at my luck.

So lately, because of this concert and this music and this opportunity to help women so far away, I've recently chosen businesswomen to help in Tanzania. All because of one song.


Oh yeah -- and I know now that CA isn't the greatest state. And I'm actually quite partial to Canada.

Home to Me

The other day I said something about one of my agents having a client in Santa Rosa where I used to live. A couple of months before that I was rooting for Dustin Pedroia and the Boston Red Sox, because Dustin and I share the same hometown (Woodland, CA). What's funny about that is that I only lived in the city limits for 1 year, but went to school there for 7. That was my longest stretch in one spot. Sometimes at the gym I wear a Sonoma State t-shirt. I'm from Anaheim. I'm from Sacramento. For a summer when I was 14 I thought I was moving to LA (really Orange County, SO not the same thing). I'm from a tiny town in the country no one has ever heard of (Capay, CA). I'm from the Bay Area. Most simply, I'm from California.

Have you seen those commercials where the person needs their cell phone coverage to reach a made up city -- the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious of geography. THAT is where I'm from! In my life I've lived in 22 houses in 12 places. A little bit of me is from each place, but none of them are really "home."

At this time in my life North Carolina feels most like home. It should -- I've been here almost 10 years. I still don't know where most of the towns are and without my friend Beth I'd have no sense of direction or space or history of this place. I'll never be "from" here and know that no matter how slight of an accent I pick up or how many years I live here, I'll always be from somewhere else. But when I go back to CA, I'm not from there either. It's really pretty strange -- like I'm an expatriate within my own country.

I guess that takes us back to "home is where the heart is." My heart is scattered across the country and places I've never lived -- North Carolina, Virginia, Missouri, California. I guess I'm from North Calissournia.

Waiting on the World to Change

You, dear Rebecca, are not the only one who has lost their muse. I just haven't had a thing to say. I have been alternately too stressed, bored, addicted to campaign coverage, working at home, at the gym, working on an online photography store, watching the Canes stuggle, and a whole bunch of other not interesting things, all of which kept me from posting. Oh yeah, and re-learning how to knit. I don't say any of this as a means of complaint, but to explain that nothing interesting has happened lately for me to write about. Life happens for sure, but most of it is just the same thing every day with different weather and clothes.

Today there are several elections and caucuses happening. My BA is in political science and I love watching this stuff -- I've had MSNBC on for almost 9 hours already today. As I wait for the rain outside to turn to snow at 3pm (or at least that's what the Weather Channel said) I thought I'd rattle off a few random thoughts...

As a disclaimer, I've been a D since I first registered to vote in 1991 and voted in my first election in 1992. I have very good friends and relatives who are R (at work we call them Rs and Ds so as not to enflame anyone too much). Heck, I've even got L's in my family. I think I can see all sides of the issues fairly and understand the appeal of both.

Regardless of party, I want us to choose a president to make the world better. There are a lot if issues that I care about and hope the next president tries to tackle them. Global warming, health care, education, the housing crisis, poverty around the world, equal rights for all people, the war, stable relationships with the rest of the world...seems like too big of a job for one person to manage. I know there won't be any candidate I completely agree with, but I hope we hire someone who cares about those things too, and can get enough other people to work with him or her to try to make some headway in fixing all the things that seem broken.

If you haven't read Elizabeth Edwards' book, you should. She's an amazing woman who has battled through the same sorts of tragedies and difficulties as everyone else with candor and grace. Without knowing her, I feel like I do. There were experiences she detailed that were just so...normal. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family. I know people who don't like her husband because he made a fortune as a trial lawyer. Why we wouldn't want someone who was obviously very good at his job to be president?

I know the Ds will surely pick Hillary or Barack. I'm ok with that but I'm not in love with either of them yet.

I've been watching the R debates and listening to what they all have to say. There are some very interesting positions out there and I want to know as much as I can about them all to see how the final races may play out. There are things I like about most of them and a few things that bother me. I sort of like Huckabee, but I'm concerned with his idea about making the Constitution more like the bible (or something along those lines). Don't get me wrong -- I'm not slamming the bible, but one of the founding tenets of this country is the separation of church and state (I know that One Nation under God doesn't quite fit that) and that just sounds exclusionary from the first jump.

MSNBC called a winner in the Republican caucus in Nevada with only 4% of the results in. That's just silly. It will probably pan out, but to base a result on the first 1000 people seems irresponsible to me. I'd rather they get it right than get it first.

Is it really so hard to pronounce the word Nevada? Maybe it's just because I grew up in neighboring California, but really folks, it's not that difficult.

Last thought -- my R friend in Nevada better have gone to a caucus today. Put your education to work & make Andy proud. Can't you just imagine how much fun he must be having with this now? (Did you end up marrying another R?)

That's all for now -- another round of speeches is starting.

PS -- It just started snowing at 350p.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!



My new year's resolution will be to stop by here more often. In the meantime enjoy the boys from IU. My family has deep roots back to Indiana. I can't take credit for them, but I can make sure everyone gets to enjoy them.

I Will Not Take These Things For Granted

My family - specifically, my grandfather, who is sharing another holiday with us, which wasn't so certain a few weeks ago.

My friends - I'm not able to see or talk to them as often as I'd like, but I think of them every day. I've been able to spend a lot of time with most of you this year and it's meant a lot to me.

My health -- lots of weird little things this year, but at the end of the day everything is ok.

My job - that challenges me, exhausts me, makes me crazy and gives me a reason to laugh every day. I am so lucky to work with people I like.

My God-daughter - who wants a diary with a lock on it for Christmas. Remember the secrets you had when you were six years old?

I hope you are all having a safe and warm holiday with friends or family!

Love to all, Heather

Anna Begins

Tonight I was looking through my CDs and found a totally awesome disk that I didn’t even remember owning. I used to have a bit of a CD buying problem and in the last two years (since I bought my house?) that has dwindled to almost nothing. I think buying songs online has contributed as well. After my recent road trip I’m tired of the same 15 CDs I always tote around with me. Now I feel like I got a new CD and it didn’t cost a thing.

This CD has a song I just adore. A few years ago I was listing to friends play music at a coffee house in Durham (or was it Chapel Hill?) and I almost fell out of my chair when they played this song. I always thought it was mine.

I’m going to listen to it on the way to work tomorrow and remember who I used to be. Hint: it wasn’t Anna.

PS Whatever happened to the Mumbling Beefheads?

Walking in My Shoes

I’ve had a lot going on lately. That’s why I haven’t been showing up here. I wish I could say it was something wonderful, something fantastic. I wish I could say I’d fallen in love and run off with some tall, handsome stranger. I wish I could say I’d won the lottery. I wish for a lot of things. Instead, I just work. A lot.

There have been changes there lately. Not all good. Not all bad. Most requiring more effort and more caring and just…more of everything. Anyone that knows me well knows that when I get stressed out I cut people out and hunker down. The thing is, now I have to pay extra attention to the people and still do more stuff. It’s an acquired skill and I just don’t have it yet.