Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me

No hope, no harm, just another false alarm

I really did, and I woke up this morning trying to figure out who he was. The best I could piece together is he was a bit younger (maybe 25? 30?) and we had some sort of music video romance at a Starbucks. Anyone know who this rock & roll Romeo might be?

City of Blinding Lights

Washington DC is my favorite city to visit. I could silently walk among the monuments for days and think about the path of our history. My favorite is the Jefferson Memorial. I would love to sit under that dome and read his words for hours, but for some reason it is always rushed. People I take to Washington want to see Washington and Lincoln; old Jefferson is out of the way and an afterthought. When I was studying political science in college I had to take a lot of theory and philosophy classes. Just about every paper I wrote was based on either Jefferson or Martin Luther King Jr. I just love their words.

We all have such hopes for the world. We all have ideas about how we think things could be better, or different, or things we want to keep exactly the same. It's something we are taught as young Americans, that we are free, that we can make a difference, that what we think matters. Today mattered.

I hope we are finally going to past the fear and uncertainty of the past seven years (because it really all started on 9/11), take a breath, and move on. After long years of war, a million voices gathered together on the mall to declare peace. It won't happen in a day, or a month, or a year. Coming together and renouncing, so visibly, the path we've been on was hopefully a sign of good times to come.

Same Old Lang Syne

I've always expected too much from New Year's Eve. Maybe it's the portrayal in movies like When Harry Met Sally and on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin Eve. Maybe it's because my early ones were memorable and I learned to expect too much. Over the years I've learned to not build it up. But still, I hope for at least a good night and for something exciting to happen. I also get a bit nostalgic. This year in particular, with all of the re-friending I've done on Facebook, I'm remembering times long passed.

One year someone told me they loved me, but it was too little, too late.

Another year someone told me they loved me, but it was too much, too soon.

Yet another year I was so sure I was In Love. The real thing - signed, sealed, delivered. Alas, I was not. Or I should say he was not. (I'm still pretty sure that I was.)

One year was spent in the desert. One year was spent in a apartment high over Central Park. One was spent out at the beach driving through Christmas lights on the sand. A bunch were spent in bars with friends all over the North Bay.

Several have been spent at hockey games -- a little excitement and I'm home before midnight -- although this year I made a detour and saw the clock turn with new friends. Old traditions + new friends = good night.

Every year I think about where I'm going and where I've been. I always am farther along than I thought with much farther to go. I make a few resolutions and usually break them all before I've really tried. I always say this year will be different. Will it?

You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch

I have lost my fa-la la-la-la.

In the past 10 days I have:

• Yelled at someone to get off my lawn (ok, it was really my 6 foot tall fence that some teenage girl was using for a balance beam, in the dark no less, but I still felt like a mean old lady when I told her she needed to go climb someone else's fence)
• Told someone I couldn't be linked with them on Facebook because that's where I talk to my real friends and that I didn't want to have to censor myself (insert foot in mouth, it was a legitimate reason - I work with her)
• Had an actual meltdown and cried on my way to dinner with friends becuase I just Did Not Want To Go
• Was told I have no sense of humor (actually, wait -- I said that and the person I was talking to just agreed with me)

I have all my Christmas cards done. All the presents are wrapped and almost all delivered. I'm not traveling anywhere and only have to drive 45 minutes to celebrate Christmas with my parents (on Sunday, no less). There should be no holiday stress left but instead it just seems to be getting worse. I think I'm going completely off the rails.

What is it about the holidays that turn normally rational people into total nut jobs?

Someone Saved My Life Tonight

As is my normal condition lately, I have too much to do. It's making me grouchy. I have a to-do list at work that still has things on it from February 2007. I have a year's subscription to a genealogy site that is going to expire soon, and I only found one afternoon to investigate it. It said I was the 20th great-granddaughter of Geoffrey Chaucer. Hmmm. No time to contemplate that at all. I have tons of "projects" at work and home that a month full of Sundays could never see completed. I guess that's why it's been so hard to get excited about the holidays this year. I've got enough to balance normally without adding a bunch of parties and shopping and cooking.

I spent Thanksgiving weekend doing a variety of projects. I moved my office at work and had a bunch of work done on my car. I spent a day shopping with my mom and saw 4 movies. I cleaned my house and dragged in the Christmas decorations from the shed in the backyard, intending to spend a lazy morning decorating the next day. Instead I stayed up until 1 a.m. finishing everything -- the front yard, the back yard, the opening between the living room and kitchen (I always hang lights there), the mantle and of course, the tree. I thought that getting that done so early put me ahead of the game. I bought holiday cards (which still sit on my desk) and even made a list of people to send them to. Progress, right?

Then I got caught up in studying for my final exam and a lot of "extra" stuff going on at work and a couple of weeks slipped by. Last night my step-dad called to discuss a possible gift for my mother and I went online to investigate. Apparently there is only a WEEK to shop online to get things in time for Christmas (unless you want to pay a zillion dollars to expedite things -- by then you should just go to the mall). When the heck did that happen? We are within a week of being out of time and I completely Did Not Notice.

So this evening, on my way home from work, I was suddenly inspired. I ran to Target and did a mad-dash sweep of the store, looking for office-people presents and wrapping paper and of all things, socks, and stocking stuffers and at some point I realized you shouldn't try to do Christmas in a day. It's just no fun. I decided to go home an get organized (at least mentally) and leave the rest of the shopping for another day.

Walking towards the front of the store I passed a couple of candy aisles and saw something that just made me stop and take a deep breath. On one of the shelves I saw those books of Lifesavers -- you know the ones -- with the 10 rolls of Lifesavers in the cardboard boxes with the hinge. When I was a kid I always wanted one of those. I don't know why, I'm not particularly fond of Lifesavers and can't remember the last time I had one. For whatever reason I always wanted one and I never got one. I'm not sure how my life went from wanting something as simple as a box of candy or a new Barbie to needing a new car, trying to decide whether or not I should refinance my mortgage, and guessing which work things will get me in the least trouble if I don't do them.

I actually stood there for a minute and tried to decide whether or not I should buy one for myself now. Really, wouldn't it make everything better? I could right an imagined wrong from my childhood and move on. After all, I'm an adult and can buy myself as many Lifesavers as I may want or need. But still.....it's Christmas and a little piece of me thinks maybe, if I'm really good and get all my work done and stop complaining, that Santa might surprise me.

Thankful

OK, so I'm stealing this from Rebecca, who borrowed it from someone else, but it seemed like a good place to start.

Something functional in my house that I'm thankful for is my awesome coffee maker that does special tricks. It's not exactly as good as having someone else make it for you but it's pretty darn close.

Something about my body that I'm thankful for is my hair. It seems like other people want theirs to be like it, so I guess I'm pretty lucky to have it.

Something hard that I've been through that I'm thankful for is the robberies I lived through at the bank I worked at back in 1995 & 1996 -- I realized I'm made of much stronger stuff than I had originally thought, and that I'm pretty decisive in a crisis, even if I'm not the rest of the time. I decided then that if I could get through those brief moments, I could get through just about anything (and it has proven to be true).

Something about this country that I'm thankful for is our diversity - in the various cultures trying to live together, in our geography, all of the different religions, and in our political opinions.

Something about 2008 that I'm thankful for is my decision to finally go back to school to pursue an MBA after thinking about it for a decade.

A word I'm thankful for is altruism. It's fun to say and a pretty nifty ideal.

A sound I'm thankful for is the horn at the RBC Center when the Canes score a goal.

A place in nature I'm thankful for is Bodega Bay, California.

Duck and Cover

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
But getting over it, that takes the work

I've had too much going on lately to be able to form my own complete thoughts so I have to borrow someone else's. I've had some trouble lately and it ended badly for a friend. I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders and homework and the holidays and so many things to remember. It's just been too much.

I've also been shown incredible kindness, and patience, and a light at the end of the tunnel. Even with all of the bad in the world I have still found a lot to be thankful for.

On Love, In Sadness

The last time I wore my black coat was a long time ago.

It was cold and there as snow on the ground. I was far away from home, but somehow home at the same time.

I wore it last night to a hockey game. I had to empty out my pockets to go through security. In them, I found some pebbles, a 5-inch long stem from a rose, and a card with his name on it that I don't remember ever seeing before. I also had one of the coins I sorted with my cousins. Why isn't it with the others? I had a flag pin on my lapel, but not the special one he gave me. I had one black glove. I don't know where it's mate is and I don't remember seeing it before either. I don't even know if it's mine.

The last time I wore my black coat I was in Indiana with my family, saying goodbye to my grandfather. It was the end of winter and once I got home I hung it in the closet and left it there during the long spring, summer and fall. It's hard to believe it's already so cold again and so much time has passed.

I still really miss him.

A Change Would Do You Good

I'm excited about whatever tomorrow brings.

There's been something in the air the last few weeks. Whichever way the wind blows, it will be Different and boy, do we need Different.

Two years ago I wrote this. (I think I was two years too early.)

Dating back about 16 autumns, I've been interested in how the political system works. I had a professor make what I expected to be a boring class into something that captured my imagination and changed the way I see the world. Everyone should have one teacher in their life that does that. (Thanks Dr Brown -- Andy too!) That class led to others and eventually a move to another school and lots of new people. I worked on campaigns and felt like I really helped a couple of people get elected. I wrote a paper 12 years ago about same-sex marriage. My theory at the time was that it would be legal everywhere within 10 years, based on how the civil rights movement changed interracial marriage in the 1960s. Now that I'm a little older (and a little less idealistic) I see that my theory, while it may someday be true, is going to take a little longer. Tomorrow California voters are making a choice. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

This year in North Carolina, we became a state that mattered. I've lived here for a little more than 10 years and every election until now has been, well, kind of boring. This year we've seen the state go from red to pink to yellow (why not white?) to even shades of (Carolina) blue on some maps. With this, of course, has come an endless barrage of campaign commercials, attack ads, office arguments, visits from candidates, and rallies with tens of thousands of people attending. I stood in one line for eight city blocks to get into a rally that I drove 90 miles to see. My friend and I were so far away that we never saw a candidate or even a stage. We did see 13 snipers. It was like listening to the radio outside -- and it was worth every mile and every step.

This year I have watched a lot of new people decide to get involved in the most basic way. I have a coworker who became a citizen 8 days ago and 3 days later voted for the first time. Another friend -- and his mom -- are both voting for the first time this year. I voted early and stood in line on a Friday night. I know about 10 kids in college who are only now old enough. So many new people and they are all excited. Everyone has a story of their first election (mine was for Clinton in 1992). I am so proud of all the people who are making their stories now.

Pocketful of Sunshine

Earlier this month I spent a brief weekend in Southern California. I just dropped in to visit my friends and then check in on my "little" cousin on my way to a conference in Arizona. The thing about my little cousin: he's not so little anymore. He just started grad school in Santa Barbara. He's creating quite a life for himself and it's been so cool watching him grow up.

I told him the story about what I did when he was born -- I don't think he had ever heard it. I was 13 when he was born and I was so excited to have a new cousin. I'm an only child and Aaron's big brother is a lot closer in age to me so I wasn't as excited when he was born when I was 3 (sorry Seth!). I made a poster to hang on our front door announcing that there was a new baby boy. I'm sure our neighbors wondered what my mother had done with her invisible baby.

I spent a long morning on this visit driving through LA, north up the Hollywood Freeway, to UCSB to see him. I had the windows down and the music turned way up. If I'd been in a convertible I could have pretended I was in an episode of The Hills. It was a gorgeous day and even though I spent 6 hours driving there and back for a 2 hour visit to see Aaron, it was worth every minute.

Once I got back to OC I took my two favorite little people out to dinner and to play video games at the mall (on a school night!). All in all a pretty awesome day.

Can you imagine going to school here?

No More Words

Everyone has words that drive them a little nuts -- the fingers on the chalkboard, if you will. For a lot of people it is "orientated" -- which most of us know as "oriented."

Mine is "webinar." Anytime someone wants me to sign them up for a webinar I want to tell them I have no idea what they are talking about.

I host a lot of online meetings and training sessions at work. We used to call them "WebEx's" but that's really a brand name like Kleenex or Q-tip. It is an online meeting/seminar/presentation/whatever. When did we get so lazy that we have to shorten everything?

It's Been A While

I've been away awhile. I've spent most of my free time the last few weeks either in an airplane or with my nose in a book, studying for accounting exams. I have lots to say and 10 half-written posts that will likely never see the light of day. I'm going to try to turn a few of them into complete thoughts and post them. It's odd that I've been so silent during this incredibly interesting time....

The End of the Summer

It's going to be 76 degrees today. I couldn't be more excited about that. My favorite time of year is autumn. I fell in love with North Carolina in the fall. I fell in love with a boy (or two, or....three?) in the fall. I made new friends and started a new job and have had all sorts of things in my life start in the fall. This year I even went back to school. It seems like more of a beginning to me than a new year or the first warm day in the spring.

There was a big football game yesterday and even though I don't care even the teeniest bit about it, I probably watched because, well, that's what you do in the fall. I count down the days until Canes camp starts (it started Friday!) because I love nothing more than to be in a big room with a huge sheet of ice. I'll get a glimpse today and then I have to wait and wait and wait until my first real game on November 1st. That's practically election day -- I'll have to adopt those election countdown tickers as my own.

This summer has brought back so many long lost friends. It's really been incredible how many people have come back into my life in such a short time. I have my girls in California, more contact with my cousins and their better halves, my college roommate and now another treasured friend just this week. Of course, none of them live here so it's easier and at the same time harder to maintain. When your whole friendship exists through emails and texting and this very blog, how easy it is to put off writing and then the person just slips away. That's really not good enough.

Now that the season is changing, people are going to start to leave too. J will go back to work somewhere else is the world and my standing companion for any and every movie will be gone. L needs to go be with M, they have a wedding and a new life to plan. My nights will go back to revolving around sticks and pucks. Things will calm down and go back to normal. Whatever that is.

One Sweet World

Can you imagine a world where no one needs anything? There are 46 million people in the US who don't have health insurance. 17 million people need food in the Horn of Africa. People in Texas still can't go home. It's overwhelming to think of all the people in the world who need something. Sometimes it feels like it's just too much and that one person could never make a difference. Thank goodness that isn't true.

I've talked in this space about Kiva before, but it's been a while. In the "old days" you and several other people would each loan someone out in the world $25 and over several months they would pay it back in little bits. Once you had your $25 back you could lend it to someone else. For Americans, $25 is dinner and a movie. Recently they stopped waiting for full payment before you could loan the money out again. Almost every day I get a notice that I have $2.08 available or $3.47 -- once it adds up to $25 I can use to help another person.

Here's the thing, since they started turning over the money so much faster, they are funding their loans faster too. More and more people are lending money and more and more people are getting the help they need. In the last week more than $675k ($25 at a time!)was distributed around the world. It's just fabulous, except....they've run out of people to help. I logged in today and all of the loans have been funded. Very cool. I'm sure by Monday there will be more, but for one day it's nice to think everyone has what they need.

You Get What You Give

I spent most of this evening at a charity fund-raising event here in Raleigh. I saw something so unusual and so heartwarming I just had to share it.

The event was to raise money for Crohn's disease and Colitis. After dinner (thankfully not during) a doctor got up and made a speech about the diseases and how they really take an emotional toll of people who are afflicted and their families. It can cause depression and impact so much more than just the person's health. This definitely brought mood of the room down. The doctor then introduced the "teenage ambassador" to the group. A very poised 13 year old girl got up and made a joke about the doctor stealing half of her speech and then went on to talk about her diagnosis, hospitalizations, and eventually surgery.

This summer she got to go to the Victory Junction Gang's camp (victoryjunction.org) where she got to ride horses, go to their water park, learn archery and go fishing. In her words, for a week "she didn't have to be a freak." She asked us all to give money so other kids could get to go there too.

As she walked back to her chair she waved at the crowd and looked downright giddy. I'm sure speaking in front of 200 people was scary and she was relieved to be done. So relieved that once she got to her chair she, her sister, her mother and her father all burst into tears. Sobbing, heart-wrenching tears. Tears so messy the girls eventually had to leave.

Before she left, our MC for the evening, the incomparable John Forsland of the Carolina Hurricanes (I'm a little biased) commended her for her opening line. He said the first words you say are the most important and the way you blasted the doctor had this room in the palm of your hand (he was right). He also invited her and her family to a hockey game as his guest. That was not yet the coolest thing.

After the speeches there was a live auction, hosted by John. A lot of the items were trips and there were a few Canes things (all immediately out of my price range). One of the items was a package to visit John in the press box during a game, 2 lower level tickets and a signed jersey. Two men got into a bidding war and the price got up to about $2000. John said that if they would each give $2500 (to raise $5000) they could BOTH have the same package. Sold. Still not the coolest thing.

One of the packages was a trip to DC. One of the doctors in the room bid $500. John looked at the other bidder and asked $600? The same doctor said yes. John looked again at the other man and said $700? The doctor again said yes. John realized the doctor was upping the bid on himself and tried to stop him. The doctor acknowledged this and raised his bid to $1000. The other guy (who had last bid $400) dropped out immediately. The doctor walked to the front of the room and took the microphone from John and said that he'd happily pay $1000 but that he didn't want the trip. He gifted it to the teenage ambassador so that she could have one more good day.

That was the coolest thing I saw all day. I love that there a such kind people in the world.

Goodbye Earl

Late last night I heard the clickety-clickety-clickety of tiny feet on my wood floor. When my dog Zoey walks across the floor her claws make a similar sound, but this definitely was not her. I looked across the room and saw the biggest, ickiest bug I've seen in a very long time. It disappeared under the TV cabinet.

I thought to myself, "That was the scariest bug I've seen in a while. I hope he stays under there."

He did not.

I did what any rational woman would do and I ran upstairs and grabbed all of my big clunky shoes. To squish the bug? No. To throw them at him. This bug was so big I thought for sure I would lose a finger if I got within arm's length of him.

A few minutes later I saw him scurrying towards the couch, a trail of shoes in his wake. Now, if he had stayed hidden under the TV I would have left him alone, but there was no way I was going to go anywhere near my couch with that monster hiding within it.

I did what every bug hunter would do. I tipped the couch over on it's back and chased the bugger into the kitchen.

We were now on my turf. Better lighting. Fewer places to hide. He went under the table. I moved the chairs. He went behind the trash can. I lifted it up and put it on the counter. The cat and mouse game (or girl and bug game) moved into the foyer and eventually, the coat closet.

I created a border -- just high enough so that if my foe escaped the coat closet he would never make it back to the kitchen or living room. I opened the door and held my breath.

He wasn't behind the vacuum. He wasn't behind the steam cleaner. He wasn't behind the windshield wiper fluid or hiding under the ladder. I know this because I removed them all.

He wasn't under the folding chair. Or behind the box of painting supplies. He was running out of places to hide.

There were only 2 boxes left. I lifted the first; still no bug. I turned around to place it on the table and when I turned back he was sitting in the middle of the floor, taunting me with his bugginess. He quickly scampered back behind the final box. I slid it out of the way -- I had him cornered.

Somewhere during my chase I had picked up the 2x2 plank I use to bolt my glass doors shut. It was now my weapon and I knew how to use it.

Once the bug was on to the next world and his body had been returned to nature I surveyed the damage: the contents of the closet dragged out into the kitchen, the overturned couch, the scattered shoes. To the victor goes the reconstruction. Isn't that how it always works?

Heartbreak Town

Today I am watching it rain a thousand miles away. All weekend long I've been, well, worried. One eye on my studying and one eye on the TV. Sleeping with the TV on. Glued to the computer. I have been remembering places that I know are three years gone.

I remember wearing the absolutely wrong, hot, bulky sweater to go dancing on Bourbon Street after a long day of traveling in a van with a bunch of people I didn't know (long story). Brown Eyed Girl was playing in almost every club that we went to and Hurricanes were in every blender at every bar. One of the girls we were with lived my nightmare and sang a karaoke song that got booed. I always thought that if put on the spot I'd sing the exact same song.

I am missing a man who decided one morning he wanted to have lunch in New Orleans, so we piled in the car and drove over for the day from Diamondhead, Mississippi. After we ate we turned around and drove straight back. He's been gone for six months already. That hardly seems possible.

I know people who live there now and I'm praying they are all safe today. I guess I'm feeling sad for a place that has given me some very nice memories.

I'm Not Sleeping

A couple of weeks ago I was trying to go to sleep in Kay's bed in Southern Cal. That day I had flown across the country, gone to our reunion, out to dinner...just a very long, long day. I was so tired I couldn't sleep.

At approximately (or exactly?) 9:35pm I heard the familiar pop pop pop sizzle of the Disneyland fireworks. It almost made me cry - it was so familar and yet made me feel so old and like I had gotten so far away from who I used to be.

Sleeping in that little girl's bed, I wondered if she paid attention to those sounds of her childhood and if they were things she would remember later in her life. Will she always live in the shadow of the Matterhorn or will she explore someplace else where the night doesn't explode at precisely 9:35 every night?

No One Ever Is To Blame

From Kim after my last visit to CA: Hey there - According to Kay, YOU left fruit roll up wrappers on her floor, an empty Capri Sun container and a plate with chips and salsa!!!!!!!! LOL! LOL!

From me: That is SO funny -- when we were driving to the airport you said something about her not eating in her room and I thought -- then I wonder how that plate and cups got in there? They've been there since at least Monday -- but I didn't do it!

So...is it wrong to rat out your Godchild? I felt guilty about it for a week.

Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)

This week I am becoming a college student again. Starting Wednesday I will be an East Carolina University Pirate. I got a booklet in the mail for new students that included a 10 item list of what to do (and not do) at ECU football games. Apparently, I am supposed to hate NC State (sorry Beth) even though the feeling isn't mutual. There were cheers listed that I'm supposed to learn and traditions to upload. It was a fun reminder of all the other things you learn that aren't in books.

I'm "attending" online so this will be a lot different than my days at Fullerton and Sonoma. No roommates, no dining halls...no ditching class, no one to pass notes with in class. Should be interesting -- or at least as interesting as accounting can be.