Today I feel like singing. It doesn't happen often (singing in the car doesn't count). I usually feel like singing when I have something to say but feel like I need someone else's words to help me get out whatever it is on my mind. What is strange this time is that I'm not really sure what it is I'm trying to say.
This space out in the universe where no one really pays attention used to be my place to get things off my chest, but for months now I've ignored this side of me. I felt like no one was listening and I felt like everyone could read my thoughts, all at the same time. With so much percolating right there under the surface it feels a little dangerous, putting stuff out there. This spot, that's all my own, was someting I avoided because I was afraid of what I'd say.
So where have I been lately?
...growing into my responsibilities and learning that I don't always have to be the good guy. I don't like being the bad guy in any given situation but as long as I try to stay fair, things usually work out.
...completely alone in a crowd of people. I'm able to have a lovely time with friends but still end up feeling like no one needed me to be there. I'm just an extra in everyone's movie and my name doesn't even make the closing credits.
...like a work in progress. So the next act is unwritten, but is anyone working on the first draft? What happens next?
...hopefully I've been a good friend and daughter. Most days I'm not really sure.
So back to the singing...I have all these things bottled up and no way to get them out, so I sing when no one is listening. I search for songs that say what I need to say and hope that just thinking the words is enough. I'm not sure that it's working tonight.
I'll have to get back to you on that.