Sick Cycle Carousel

I can't write now because I am afraid I will say something I shouldn't. I tend to put my heart and thoughts and wishes right out there and I'm suddenly afraid they'll be seen. I tend to be too quick to tell people what I think and believe and feel -- and more than once I've been completely wrong, and look back just days later with a laugh and realize how silly I was.

I think I know what's in my heart, but my heart is always wrong. Maybe the problem is in those first two words: I think. I'm not the kind of person who can stop thinking. I wish I could be impulsive and reckless and...what was it Shelley and I used to be? Spontaneous. Back then, spontaneous was driving to the beach without a blanket, or heading to the mall when we were supposed to go to the library.

I could take a leap.

...or a chance.

...or....spend another year without a hand to hold.

It never stops. Sigh.

End of the Summer

I'll bet you thought I forgot all about you.  I didn't.  I swear.

I've actually been writing posts for months, but not posting them.  I had a folder of half-written thoughts and I'm going to try to complete them.  Some of them are timeless and some are a snapshot of a day, probably months ago.

I had an interesting summer, which really started all the way back in April.  There were cruises (The Caribbean!  Alaska!).  There were visits with friends and family (California!  Virginia!).  There were business trips (Vegas!  Twice!).  There was the idea of a guy, and then there wasn't.  There were concerts and baseballs games and road trips and sunny days.  I took up jogging.  I ran in a race.  I had fun.

Its time to settle into fall again.  School has started -- I'm already panicking about a statistics midterm -- and hockey starts tomorrow.  It's time for normal to begin again.

Song For a Future Generation

Also from July...

I just spent an extraordinary long weekend in Southern California.  It's wonderful to be able to check in with my oldest friends and take a new mental snapshot of where they are these days.  The children just keep growing, despite my pleas to stop feeding them, and they are really wonderful little people.  

 

My best friend's son has discovered music and his world has gotten a little bigger. It's a joy to watch.  He's an encyclopedia of little facts and background on the bands and the songs, much like I was at that age. 

One of my favorite moments happened driving the two kids to the movies, flying down the freeway, with the radio blasting the same station I listen to as a kid, he and I singing together in the car (his little sister in the back seat making faces at us).  I loved that day.

Sweetest Thing

From July...

I can only try to explain where my head has been lately.  I spent a good part of the summer imagining a different life for myself.  That's the way it is with me; I get an idea and next thing you know I'm off and running with little room left for reality.  I've invented a different life complete with a new supporting cast of characters.  It's silly, really.  Aren't you supposed to actually live your life, and not just imagine it?  It's like I think I can will things to happen, completely without outside participation.  Things just don't work that way.

 

I think I've always been a glass-half-full kind of person.  I'd much rather focus on the things I do have than the things I don't.  These things will happen or they won't, right?  I'm always open to the possibilities out there.  No matter how hard I wish for the elusive time machine so I can jump into the future and see how it all turns out, no amount of imagining will make that so.

 

Here's what I do have: a lot of friends, new and old that make my life fun to live.  A history with some of them that goes back over two decades, that is completely immune to the lapses of time that go by while my regular life unwinds.  A normal email and accompanying response can result in merciless teasing across a continent.  I love that.  There are new people in my life too, who are slowly becoming a part of my day-to-day plans.  It's really nice.  Sometimes it's hard to blend the old and the new and the near and the far, but I like thinking no matter where I go, I'll always find a friend.

All I Want

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if she sat still. Would she fall into a deep, exhausted sleep?  Would she scream as though her skin was boiling?  Would she disappear into a puff of smoke, because she only exists when her to-do list is long and her feet and mind are racing?

I want to tell her to slow down. I want to tell her to enjoy these moments, the ones when her kids are displaying their blooming personalities.  To stop telling them to be quiet or go away or to just...stop.  She doesn't know what it will be like when they grow up and go and the days are filled with quiet.  I could try to tell her but she won't listen because I really don't know what it's like, as my house has never been filled with that kind of noise.

I love her anyway, and am looking forward to the days when we can travel and see a little more of the world.  When her world is quiet and I can teach you how to make her own noise.

Song for the Dumped

I haven't been dumped.  I just love this song and felt like I needed to make people aware of it's wonderfulness.  It's a little PG-13 so don't play it for the kids.  I find the lyrics funny and the music great -- it's almost too joyous to be from the perspective of a guy who just got dumped.  I think in the 5 stages of grieving he's probably in "anger."  Joyous anger.