Sleeping With The Television On

I've had a crazy few weeks and a very, very fun-filled weekend. I've traveled to a battlefield, the ocean, and the desert. It doesn't matter how tired I get I simply can't sleep.

It started when I was sick a few weeks back and couldn't breathe -- I just seem to have gotten used to taking a few naps a night. I've tried Tylenol PM, cough syrup and going to bed earlier (not to mention much later).

I've always slept with the TV on -- for years and years and years. I think tonight I'll try something else. Silence. It always makes my mind race and I don't really need to encourage that, but it's worth a try.

I need the clarity that comes with rest - or maybe a good think.

Fool to Think

I've been alone for a long time. When I left my last long-term relationship I thought eventually I would find another one and never expected that just wouldn't happen. I'd always been pretty lucky in love in the insulated worlds of high school and college but I guess that was like shooting fish in a barrel. The real world is a big ol' ocean and much trickier to navigate.

Please don't misunderstand. I've made great friends along the way and have built a life that I truly love. I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all -- I've just accepted my life as it is -- but everyone once in a while I'll feel like something is missing. Like I've forgotten to eat lunch or lost my keys, but of course, bigger. I'll meet someone and think, hmmmm, is this what I'm missing?...and I haven't been right yet.

I wonder if people who have all of the parts put together ever feel this way? Is this the kind of thing where whatever you have, you always want something else? The green is greener, so to speak? I'd love to find out for myself.

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

You Might Die Trying

To change the world, start with one step.

However small, the first step is hardest of all.

I've always been really interested in history and the events that formed our country (hence my woefully underused political science degree!). That's why I jumped at the chance to go to Gettysburg with my oldest friend, explore a bit and do a little good at the same time. There is an organization of people from the travel industry who pick a historical site each year that needs some care and attention and donate their time and labor.








My team's task at the Spangler Farm was to demolish all of the "non-historic vegetation" (I love that term). Basically, we needed to yank out everything extra that has grown there for the last 150 years. The property has remained in private hands since the war and was surrounded by protected parts of the battlefield. After being kept separate it will now be part of the public trust and eventually everyone will get to see this place that served as a field hospital where a famous general died and hundreds slept in the fields, in wool coats, in July, in the rain, for days while waiting for surgeons to attend to their wounds.





By the end of the day we all had uncountable bruises, thorn pricks, scrapes and a little sunburn, but we had also cleared everything but the trees from a tree line a couple hundred feet long and about 30 feet deep. It was just the first day on a project that will likely take a couple of years.

The landscape there is incredible. In a world where urban sprawl is everywhere, this little hamlet has remained almost exactly as it was. I really felt like I got to appreciate the area in a much different way than if I was just a tourist. There was a woman who approached us in the town square the evening after the event. She was on the board of one of the preservation groups, and she walked over to us with tears in her eyes. She was so overwhelmed by the number of people who came and how much we accomplished. You could tell the people who live there really feel like they have a responsibility to preserve that piece of our history. It really was an honor to be able to help them, even if only for a day.

Chains of Love

I have a very short commute to work. It's about 10 miles but only takes 12-16 minutes, depending on the light at my house. On my way, there is a walking overpass over the freeway. For the few years people have been putting messages up there, putting plastic cups in the chain link fence. There have been some really creative ones....


IT'S OURS (complete with a depiction of the Stanley Cup)

PROM?

Happy New Year

Turkeys!


And the one that made the least sense but made everyone slow down...

BOOB!

(Seriously, why would you write that with red plastic cups on an overpass?)


Tonight on my way home I could see the kids up there with cups, getting ready for a new message. We've already had 2 different colored prom proposals in recent weeks.

I wonder what's next?

Hey Sister Pretty

This is Zoey. She had surgery a couple of weeks ago and while she is now perfectly fine, she was a little stinky and couldn't have a bath until her stiches came out. This finally happened yesterday.

So this morning I filled up the bathtub in the guest room, which she knows is for her. When I went looking for her all I found was her back legs.

I talked her out from under the bed and she had her bath. She now smells much better. The thing is, I don't think she's talking to me anymore.

Little Brother

All my life I have had pets. When I was very young, I think for my 6th birthday, I got a puppy. I named her Gina (Princess Gina to be precise - I even made her a construction paper crown). For reasons I'm still not entirely clear about, she was renamed Sage.

Sage and I grew up together. We watched my parents get divorced and traded houses every Wednesday for a summer. We moved to 6 new houses in 3 years. At some point I started looking at colleges but couldn't imagine leaving her behind. In the end she left me. Her life spanned some of my earliest memories all the way through my packing to leave home.

The summer of the divorce, my mom get a cat. She was a beautiful little creature. We found out when she was a few years old that she was a different breed then we first believed. [We thought she was Siamese but she was actually Tonkinese - it's a real thing. You can look it up.] When Sage died, Kaytee (the cat) was very lonely. The vet said she was depressed and that we should get her a kitten. Turned out she didn't really want to be anyone's mommy, but she wasn't lonely anymore. It took her a while to warm up to Willie but eventually they were like two peas in a pod (or two kittens in a drawer).


Kaytee lived to be 18 years old. By the end she was a creaky old lady, but still very sweet. She's been gone for a couple of years now. Two weeks ago, we lost our sweet boy Willie, at the age of 15. This is how I imagine they will be always be.

My Boyfriend's Back

I've had a rough few days. School, regular work, problems with work, the anniversary of my grandfather's death -- just many things on my mind.

My escape from the day-to-day-ness of my life is hockey. The Canes have been up and down for weeks, hovering between relevance and well, not being very good.

Last night they played the Washington Capitals (my father's team) and it wasn't even on TV. I spent the whole day looking forward to coming home and watching the boys play. Instead I got UVA vs Clemson. So not the same thing.

Today was the trade deadline for the NHL. 3pm came and went with no news for the Canes. About 3:45 one of my funniest coworkers came in and told me there was a deal pending. As the pieces came together, the news went from odd, to sad, to absolutely fantastic. My boyfriend's back.

I'll Be Alright Without You

Last night I went to a hockey game, and while I was there I sort of went on someone else's first date. I suspect it will be their last as well. I was sitting next to a couple who were about my age, so let's say mid-30s. It's not important in general, but it is to the story -- he was white and she was black.

The first few minutes of the game they were talking about the rules of the game. She hadn't been to a game in a few years and he had never been at all. (I wonder what made them think this would be a good thing for them to do on their first date?) This got them through the first 10 minutes or so. She was actually asking me a bunch of questions and then passing along the answers to him.

About halfway through the first period he said "I was going to mention it during dinner, but I saw an interesting show on the National Geographic channel the other day. It was about how virus are created and get mutated to make us sick each year." His tale was heavy on mucous and germs. I thought to myself, "I'll bet she's glad he didn't bring that up during dinner."

From there they (logically) moved on to evolution. He strongly believes in it. She's apparently very religious and is more of a creationist. He then tried to talk her out of her strongly held beliefs, to no avail. She mentioned that she actually had to be at church at 6:30 the next morning to help with a church breakfast. He asked if she could skip it so they could go out to drinks after the game. She said no, she sticks to her commitments.

In the second period the discussion moved on to work. She hopes to stop working so late every day, but really, she's very busy and can't ever do anything during the week. Ever. He works at a small company and doesn't know who the owner is but likes that he has a coworker who brings in a griddle on Friday's and makes everyone pancakes.

Her family is up north; she was happy to grow up in the suburbs of Boston with a swimming pool and lots of friends. He was an Army brat and only talks to his mom and paternal grandmother. There are other relatives, but there's been a falling out and he doesn't talk to them much any more. He wanted to join the Army his whole life, but someone talked him out of it and he's still mad at them. He's very patriotic; she said she was too. He said that normal families don't understand that the way military families do. There's just no comparison.

Up to this point, all of the chatter is pretty basic getting-to-know-you stuff. Biographical. Awkward. I'm thinking they must have met online, because he has pictures of her. In fact, he says, he showed her pictures to his mom. His mom said she was "real pretty" and, he added happily, his mom didn't have a problem with him dating her.

She was sitting to my right and actually nudged me with her elbow. Did he really just say that?

Within a couple of minutes she started talking about being very tired and hoping the Canes would score again so that they could go ahead and leave. I actually left early and don't know how it all ended. I suspect he probably won't be seeing her again. Ever.

Oh yeah -- the Canes won, 2-0.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me

No hope, no harm, just another false alarm

I really did, and I woke up this morning trying to figure out who he was. The best I could piece together is he was a bit younger (maybe 25? 30?) and we had some sort of music video romance at a Starbucks. Anyone know who this rock & roll Romeo might be?

City of Blinding Lights

Washington DC is my favorite city to visit. I could silently walk among the monuments for days and think about the path of our history. My favorite is the Jefferson Memorial. I would love to sit under that dome and read his words for hours, but for some reason it is always rushed. People I take to Washington want to see Washington and Lincoln; old Jefferson is out of the way and an afterthought. When I was studying political science in college I had to take a lot of theory and philosophy classes. Just about every paper I wrote was based on either Jefferson or Martin Luther King Jr. I just love their words.

We all have such hopes for the world. We all have ideas about how we think things could be better, or different, or things we want to keep exactly the same. It's something we are taught as young Americans, that we are free, that we can make a difference, that what we think matters. Today mattered.

I hope we are finally going to past the fear and uncertainty of the past seven years (because it really all started on 9/11), take a breath, and move on. After long years of war, a million voices gathered together on the mall to declare peace. It won't happen in a day, or a month, or a year. Coming together and renouncing, so visibly, the path we've been on was hopefully a sign of good times to come.

Same Old Lang Syne

I've always expected too much from New Year's Eve. Maybe it's the portrayal in movies like When Harry Met Sally and on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin Eve. Maybe it's because my early ones were memorable and I learned to expect too much. Over the years I've learned to not build it up. But still, I hope for at least a good night and for something exciting to happen. I also get a bit nostalgic. This year in particular, with all of the re-friending I've done on Facebook, I'm remembering times long passed.

One year someone told me they loved me, but it was too little, too late.

Another year someone told me they loved me, but it was too much, too soon.

Yet another year I was so sure I was In Love. The real thing - signed, sealed, delivered. Alas, I was not. Or I should say he was not. (I'm still pretty sure that I was.)

One year was spent in the desert. One year was spent in a apartment high over Central Park. One was spent out at the beach driving through Christmas lights on the sand. A bunch were spent in bars with friends all over the North Bay.

Several have been spent at hockey games -- a little excitement and I'm home before midnight -- although this year I made a detour and saw the clock turn with new friends. Old traditions + new friends = good night.

Every year I think about where I'm going and where I've been. I always am farther along than I thought with much farther to go. I make a few resolutions and usually break them all before I've really tried. I always say this year will be different. Will it?

You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch

I have lost my fa-la la-la-la.

In the past 10 days I have:

• Yelled at someone to get off my lawn (ok, it was really my 6 foot tall fence that some teenage girl was using for a balance beam, in the dark no less, but I still felt like a mean old lady when I told her she needed to go climb someone else's fence)
• Told someone I couldn't be linked with them on Facebook because that's where I talk to my real friends and that I didn't want to have to censor myself (insert foot in mouth, it was a legitimate reason - I work with her)
• Had an actual meltdown and cried on my way to dinner with friends becuase I just Did Not Want To Go
• Was told I have no sense of humor (actually, wait -- I said that and the person I was talking to just agreed with me)

I have all my Christmas cards done. All the presents are wrapped and almost all delivered. I'm not traveling anywhere and only have to drive 45 minutes to celebrate Christmas with my parents (on Sunday, no less). There should be no holiday stress left but instead it just seems to be getting worse. I think I'm going completely off the rails.

What is it about the holidays that turn normally rational people into total nut jobs?

Someone Saved My Life Tonight

As is my normal condition lately, I have too much to do. It's making me grouchy. I have a to-do list at work that still has things on it from February 2007. I have a year's subscription to a genealogy site that is going to expire soon, and I only found one afternoon to investigate it. It said I was the 20th great-granddaughter of Geoffrey Chaucer. Hmmm. No time to contemplate that at all. I have tons of "projects" at work and home that a month full of Sundays could never see completed. I guess that's why it's been so hard to get excited about the holidays this year. I've got enough to balance normally without adding a bunch of parties and shopping and cooking.

I spent Thanksgiving weekend doing a variety of projects. I moved my office at work and had a bunch of work done on my car. I spent a day shopping with my mom and saw 4 movies. I cleaned my house and dragged in the Christmas decorations from the shed in the backyard, intending to spend a lazy morning decorating the next day. Instead I stayed up until 1 a.m. finishing everything -- the front yard, the back yard, the opening between the living room and kitchen (I always hang lights there), the mantle and of course, the tree. I thought that getting that done so early put me ahead of the game. I bought holiday cards (which still sit on my desk) and even made a list of people to send them to. Progress, right?

Then I got caught up in studying for my final exam and a lot of "extra" stuff going on at work and a couple of weeks slipped by. Last night my step-dad called to discuss a possible gift for my mother and I went online to investigate. Apparently there is only a WEEK to shop online to get things in time for Christmas (unless you want to pay a zillion dollars to expedite things -- by then you should just go to the mall). When the heck did that happen? We are within a week of being out of time and I completely Did Not Notice.

So this evening, on my way home from work, I was suddenly inspired. I ran to Target and did a mad-dash sweep of the store, looking for office-people presents and wrapping paper and of all things, socks, and stocking stuffers and at some point I realized you shouldn't try to do Christmas in a day. It's just no fun. I decided to go home an get organized (at least mentally) and leave the rest of the shopping for another day.

Walking towards the front of the store I passed a couple of candy aisles and saw something that just made me stop and take a deep breath. On one of the shelves I saw those books of Lifesavers -- you know the ones -- with the 10 rolls of Lifesavers in the cardboard boxes with the hinge. When I was a kid I always wanted one of those. I don't know why, I'm not particularly fond of Lifesavers and can't remember the last time I had one. For whatever reason I always wanted one and I never got one. I'm not sure how my life went from wanting something as simple as a box of candy or a new Barbie to needing a new car, trying to decide whether or not I should refinance my mortgage, and guessing which work things will get me in the least trouble if I don't do them.

I actually stood there for a minute and tried to decide whether or not I should buy one for myself now. Really, wouldn't it make everything better? I could right an imagined wrong from my childhood and move on. After all, I'm an adult and can buy myself as many Lifesavers as I may want or need. But still.....it's Christmas and a little piece of me thinks maybe, if I'm really good and get all my work done and stop complaining, that Santa might surprise me.

Thankful

OK, so I'm stealing this from Rebecca, who borrowed it from someone else, but it seemed like a good place to start.

Something functional in my house that I'm thankful for is my awesome coffee maker that does special tricks. It's not exactly as good as having someone else make it for you but it's pretty darn close.

Something about my body that I'm thankful for is my hair. It seems like other people want theirs to be like it, so I guess I'm pretty lucky to have it.

Something hard that I've been through that I'm thankful for is the robberies I lived through at the bank I worked at back in 1995 & 1996 -- I realized I'm made of much stronger stuff than I had originally thought, and that I'm pretty decisive in a crisis, even if I'm not the rest of the time. I decided then that if I could get through those brief moments, I could get through just about anything (and it has proven to be true).

Something about this country that I'm thankful for is our diversity - in the various cultures trying to live together, in our geography, all of the different religions, and in our political opinions.

Something about 2008 that I'm thankful for is my decision to finally go back to school to pursue an MBA after thinking about it for a decade.

A word I'm thankful for is altruism. It's fun to say and a pretty nifty ideal.

A sound I'm thankful for is the horn at the RBC Center when the Canes score a goal.

A place in nature I'm thankful for is Bodega Bay, California.

Duck and Cover

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
But getting over it, that takes the work

I've had too much going on lately to be able to form my own complete thoughts so I have to borrow someone else's. I've had some trouble lately and it ended badly for a friend. I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders and homework and the holidays and so many things to remember. It's just been too much.

I've also been shown incredible kindness, and patience, and a light at the end of the tunnel. Even with all of the bad in the world I have still found a lot to be thankful for.

On Love, In Sadness

The last time I wore my black coat was a long time ago.

It was cold and there as snow on the ground. I was far away from home, but somehow home at the same time.

I wore it last night to a hockey game. I had to empty out my pockets to go through security. In them, I found some pebbles, a 5-inch long stem from a rose, and a card with his name on it that I don't remember ever seeing before. I also had one of the coins I sorted with my cousins. Why isn't it with the others? I had a flag pin on my lapel, but not the special one he gave me. I had one black glove. I don't know where it's mate is and I don't remember seeing it before either. I don't even know if it's mine.

The last time I wore my black coat I was in Indiana with my family, saying goodbye to my grandfather. It was the end of winter and once I got home I hung it in the closet and left it there during the long spring, summer and fall. It's hard to believe it's already so cold again and so much time has passed.

I still really miss him.

A Change Would Do You Good

I'm excited about whatever tomorrow brings.

There's been something in the air the last few weeks. Whichever way the wind blows, it will be Different and boy, do we need Different.

Two years ago I wrote this. (I think I was two years too early.)

Dating back about 16 autumns, I've been interested in how the political system works. I had a professor make what I expected to be a boring class into something that captured my imagination and changed the way I see the world. Everyone should have one teacher in their life that does that. (Thanks Dr Brown -- Andy too!) That class led to others and eventually a move to another school and lots of new people. I worked on campaigns and felt like I really helped a couple of people get elected. I wrote a paper 12 years ago about same-sex marriage. My theory at the time was that it would be legal everywhere within 10 years, based on how the civil rights movement changed interracial marriage in the 1960s. Now that I'm a little older (and a little less idealistic) I see that my theory, while it may someday be true, is going to take a little longer. Tomorrow California voters are making a choice. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

This year in North Carolina, we became a state that mattered. I've lived here for a little more than 10 years and every election until now has been, well, kind of boring. This year we've seen the state go from red to pink to yellow (why not white?) to even shades of (Carolina) blue on some maps. With this, of course, has come an endless barrage of campaign commercials, attack ads, office arguments, visits from candidates, and rallies with tens of thousands of people attending. I stood in one line for eight city blocks to get into a rally that I drove 90 miles to see. My friend and I were so far away that we never saw a candidate or even a stage. We did see 13 snipers. It was like listening to the radio outside -- and it was worth every mile and every step.

This year I have watched a lot of new people decide to get involved in the most basic way. I have a coworker who became a citizen 8 days ago and 3 days later voted for the first time. Another friend -- and his mom -- are both voting for the first time this year. I voted early and stood in line on a Friday night. I know about 10 kids in college who are only now old enough. So many new people and they are all excited. Everyone has a story of their first election (mine was for Clinton in 1992). I am so proud of all the people who are making their stories now.

Pocketful of Sunshine

Earlier this month I spent a brief weekend in Southern California. I just dropped in to visit my friends and then check in on my "little" cousin on my way to a conference in Arizona. The thing about my little cousin: he's not so little anymore. He just started grad school in Santa Barbara. He's creating quite a life for himself and it's been so cool watching him grow up.

I told him the story about what I did when he was born -- I don't think he had ever heard it. I was 13 when he was born and I was so excited to have a new cousin. I'm an only child and Aaron's big brother is a lot closer in age to me so I wasn't as excited when he was born when I was 3 (sorry Seth!). I made a poster to hang on our front door announcing that there was a new baby boy. I'm sure our neighbors wondered what my mother had done with her invisible baby.

I spent a long morning on this visit driving through LA, north up the Hollywood Freeway, to UCSB to see him. I had the windows down and the music turned way up. If I'd been in a convertible I could have pretended I was in an episode of The Hills. It was a gorgeous day and even though I spent 6 hours driving there and back for a 2 hour visit to see Aaron, it was worth every minute.

Once I got back to OC I took my two favorite little people out to dinner and to play video games at the mall (on a school night!). All in all a pretty awesome day.

Can you imagine going to school here?

No More Words

Everyone has words that drive them a little nuts -- the fingers on the chalkboard, if you will. For a lot of people it is "orientated" -- which most of us know as "oriented."

Mine is "webinar." Anytime someone wants me to sign them up for a webinar I want to tell them I have no idea what they are talking about.

I host a lot of online meetings and training sessions at work. We used to call them "WebEx's" but that's really a brand name like Kleenex or Q-tip. It is an online meeting/seminar/presentation/whatever. When did we get so lazy that we have to shorten everything?

It's Been A While

I've been away awhile. I've spent most of my free time the last few weeks either in an airplane or with my nose in a book, studying for accounting exams. I have lots to say and 10 half-written posts that will likely never see the light of day. I'm going to try to turn a few of them into complete thoughts and post them. It's odd that I've been so silent during this incredibly interesting time....