Say Goodbye

Stillman, Commodore headed to Ottawa after trade from Carolina
Caniac Nation is freaking out a bit today. I came home and did what I do when hockey trades go down. I check out what the interwebs have to say.

It's never good when the trade headline give top billing to the players leaving your team. It's like, these two great guys have gone away to win where they can. Good luck with that, boys! Oh yeah, almost forgot. You get these two back in return. Good luck with that, Canes fans.

The Shot Heard Round the World

I heard the words before I realized what was happening.

"When in the course of human events..."

As soon as I heard them I stopped and stood still.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

These are words that put my life on this path. And made me fall in love with the ideas of Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Dr King.

"We mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor."

Today is Super Bowl Sunday. If you saw it you know these were read by football players, coaches, NYPD officers, soldiers. It was just a part of the pre-game hoopla. A national holiday for most -- I'm glad they threw it in. It made my day.

Tanzania

When I was a little girl I thought I was really, really lucky to be born a blonde, blue-eyed girl with two parents and that I was born in California, the best state in the best country in the world! Really, what are the odds? This wasn't a supremacy thing or anything like that, it's just that I knew there were people who were poor, or other races, or who spoke other languages or lived in someplace far away like Iowa (the horror!). I knew I had been blessed with an easy start. Statistically I had hit the jackpot. Like I said, I was little and my world view was, well, rather small.

As I've grown up, I've really come to realize I didn't have it all that wrong. I grew up with very fortunate circumstances. Sure, my parents divorced and money was an issue. But I've always had a place to live, food to eat and people who love me. I got a great education and I didn't have to take classes at night or work 3 jobs to do it. I've been unlucky in love (so far), but I have great friends and family and I always have something fun to do. I work really hard and feel like I've earned what I have.

There's still this little voice that tells me I've had things too easy, that other people have it so hard. I need to give something back and throughout the year I scatter token donations to the AHA, the ACS, and the USO (I really like buying phone cards for soldiers at the holidays). I walk for juvenile diabetes (for Beth) and for breast cancer (for Linda & Phyllis). My new favorite is Kiva (kiva.org). With Kiva, you get to lend money to an actual person to improve their life and then they pay you back and you can help someone else.

Some friends are very instrumental in raising money for Beacon of Hope, a charity in Africa. They put on a concert every year here in North Carolina to raise money for strangers, a half a world away. This year we were able to download some of the artists' songs before the show. The week before the concert I was in California visiting my old haunts, but listening to music that tied me back to this place and made me think about women a world away. Overlooking the beach at Bodega Head I marveled once again at my luck.

So lately, because of this concert and this music and this opportunity to help women so far away, I've recently chosen businesswomen to help in Tanzania. All because of one song.


Oh yeah -- and I know now that CA isn't the greatest state. And I'm actually quite partial to Canada.

Home to Me

The other day I said something about one of my agents having a client in Santa Rosa where I used to live. A couple of months before that I was rooting for Dustin Pedroia and the Boston Red Sox, because Dustin and I share the same hometown (Woodland, CA). What's funny about that is that I only lived in the city limits for 1 year, but went to school there for 7. That was my longest stretch in one spot. Sometimes at the gym I wear a Sonoma State t-shirt. I'm from Anaheim. I'm from Sacramento. For a summer when I was 14 I thought I was moving to LA (really Orange County, SO not the same thing). I'm from a tiny town in the country no one has ever heard of (Capay, CA). I'm from the Bay Area. Most simply, I'm from California.

Have you seen those commercials where the person needs their cell phone coverage to reach a made up city -- the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious of geography. THAT is where I'm from! In my life I've lived in 22 houses in 12 places. A little bit of me is from each place, but none of them are really "home."

At this time in my life North Carolina feels most like home. It should -- I've been here almost 10 years. I still don't know where most of the towns are and without my friend Beth I'd have no sense of direction or space or history of this place. I'll never be "from" here and know that no matter how slight of an accent I pick up or how many years I live here, I'll always be from somewhere else. But when I go back to CA, I'm not from there either. It's really pretty strange -- like I'm an expatriate within my own country.

I guess that takes us back to "home is where the heart is." My heart is scattered across the country and places I've never lived -- North Carolina, Virginia, Missouri, California. I guess I'm from North Calissournia.

Waiting on the World to Change

You, dear Rebecca, are not the only one who has lost their muse. I just haven't had a thing to say. I have been alternately too stressed, bored, addicted to campaign coverage, working at home, at the gym, working on an online photography store, watching the Canes stuggle, and a whole bunch of other not interesting things, all of which kept me from posting. Oh yeah, and re-learning how to knit. I don't say any of this as a means of complaint, but to explain that nothing interesting has happened lately for me to write about. Life happens for sure, but most of it is just the same thing every day with different weather and clothes.

Today there are several elections and caucuses happening. My BA is in political science and I love watching this stuff -- I've had MSNBC on for almost 9 hours already today. As I wait for the rain outside to turn to snow at 3pm (or at least that's what the Weather Channel said) I thought I'd rattle off a few random thoughts...

As a disclaimer, I've been a D since I first registered to vote in 1991 and voted in my first election in 1992. I have very good friends and relatives who are R (at work we call them Rs and Ds so as not to enflame anyone too much). Heck, I've even got L's in my family. I think I can see all sides of the issues fairly and understand the appeal of both.

Regardless of party, I want us to choose a president to make the world better. There are a lot if issues that I care about and hope the next president tries to tackle them. Global warming, health care, education, the housing crisis, poverty around the world, equal rights for all people, the war, stable relationships with the rest of the world...seems like too big of a job for one person to manage. I know there won't be any candidate I completely agree with, but I hope we hire someone who cares about those things too, and can get enough other people to work with him or her to try to make some headway in fixing all the things that seem broken.

If you haven't read Elizabeth Edwards' book, you should. She's an amazing woman who has battled through the same sorts of tragedies and difficulties as everyone else with candor and grace. Without knowing her, I feel like I do. There were experiences she detailed that were just so...normal. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family. I know people who don't like her husband because he made a fortune as a trial lawyer. Why we wouldn't want someone who was obviously very good at his job to be president?

I know the Ds will surely pick Hillary or Barack. I'm ok with that but I'm not in love with either of them yet.

I've been watching the R debates and listening to what they all have to say. There are some very interesting positions out there and I want to know as much as I can about them all to see how the final races may play out. There are things I like about most of them and a few things that bother me. I sort of like Huckabee, but I'm concerned with his idea about making the Constitution more like the bible (or something along those lines). Don't get me wrong -- I'm not slamming the bible, but one of the founding tenets of this country is the separation of church and state (I know that One Nation under God doesn't quite fit that) and that just sounds exclusionary from the first jump.

MSNBC called a winner in the Republican caucus in Nevada with only 4% of the results in. That's just silly. It will probably pan out, but to base a result on the first 1000 people seems irresponsible to me. I'd rather they get it right than get it first.

Is it really so hard to pronounce the word Nevada? Maybe it's just because I grew up in neighboring California, but really folks, it's not that difficult.

Last thought -- my R friend in Nevada better have gone to a caucus today. Put your education to work & make Andy proud. Can't you just imagine how much fun he must be having with this now? (Did you end up marrying another R?)

That's all for now -- another round of speeches is starting.

PS -- It just started snowing at 350p.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!



My new year's resolution will be to stop by here more often. In the meantime enjoy the boys from IU. My family has deep roots back to Indiana. I can't take credit for them, but I can make sure everyone gets to enjoy them.

I Will Not Take These Things For Granted

My family - specifically, my grandfather, who is sharing another holiday with us, which wasn't so certain a few weeks ago.

My friends - I'm not able to see or talk to them as often as I'd like, but I think of them every day. I've been able to spend a lot of time with most of you this year and it's meant a lot to me.

My health -- lots of weird little things this year, but at the end of the day everything is ok.

My job - that challenges me, exhausts me, makes me crazy and gives me a reason to laugh every day. I am so lucky to work with people I like.

My God-daughter - who wants a diary with a lock on it for Christmas. Remember the secrets you had when you were six years old?

I hope you are all having a safe and warm holiday with friends or family!

Love to all, Heather

Anna Begins

Tonight I was looking through my CDs and found a totally awesome disk that I didn’t even remember owning. I used to have a bit of a CD buying problem and in the last two years (since I bought my house?) that has dwindled to almost nothing. I think buying songs online has contributed as well. After my recent road trip I’m tired of the same 15 CDs I always tote around with me. Now I feel like I got a new CD and it didn’t cost a thing.

This CD has a song I just adore. A few years ago I was listing to friends play music at a coffee house in Durham (or was it Chapel Hill?) and I almost fell out of my chair when they played this song. I always thought it was mine.

I’m going to listen to it on the way to work tomorrow and remember who I used to be. Hint: it wasn’t Anna.

PS Whatever happened to the Mumbling Beefheads?

Walking in My Shoes

I’ve had a lot going on lately. That’s why I haven’t been showing up here. I wish I could say it was something wonderful, something fantastic. I wish I could say I’d fallen in love and run off with some tall, handsome stranger. I wish I could say I’d won the lottery. I wish for a lot of things. Instead, I just work. A lot.

There have been changes there lately. Not all good. Not all bad. Most requiring more effort and more caring and just…more of everything. Anyone that knows me well knows that when I get stressed out I cut people out and hunker down. The thing is, now I have to pay extra attention to the people and still do more stuff. It’s an acquired skill and I just don’t have it yet.

Goodbye to a River

I love rainy days. The kind where you just want to sit on the couch, bundled in pajamas and an old quilt and finish the book you’ve been working on for weeks. They have to be cloudy, gray, drippy days that aren’t worth going outside.

It’s been ages since we’ve had rain. I really miss it.

Wide Open Spaces

The morning started with a drive from American Canyon (let's just call it Vallejo) to Novato then out to Bodega Bay. Bodega is one of those places where I can just...breathe.

Isn't it heaven?

Then I went to Rohnert Park, where Sonoma State University is located. They have Starbucks now -- of course I found it immediately. I went to the bookstore on campus and it still looked exactly the same as it did the first time I went there, almost 20 years ago as a freshman in high school. The rest of the campus looks totally different.

Something is eating Stevenson Hall.

Going back to the hotel I drove through Santa Rosa, Sonoma and Napa. I was out driving for hours and hours. It was a lovely day.

Welcome to Paradise

I never told y'all the final story with my smeller. I've now had a CT scan, an MRI and spent 2 weeks on steroids to take care of the infection in my sinuses that was literally blocking my sense of smell. The steroids seem to have done the trick and I can smell again. It was scary for a few weeks but everything seems to be much better now.

I've also arrived in Northern California and some of the first things I noticed were the smells. My rental car smells like this weird air freshener that I've only smelled at car washes in California. It is not good.

Vallejo smells like, well...Vallejo. It's sort of a diesel-y seaside swampy thing. My french fries from Bud's smelled (and tasted) much greasier than I remembered. If I go back this trip I need to remember they need salt (and I don't put salt on anything).

I was very disoriented driving up to my hotel. I think some of the freeways have moved (is that possible?) and there are definitely lots of new things. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Learn to Fly

Most days I don't notice just how much the world has changed in the last six years. The aftereffects of 9/11 hasbecome a part of our daily lives and collective history. We are all aware of the changes, but they are not so distressing, especially if you travel often. Stepping out of your shoes, skipping the coffee run on the way to the airport and judging the combined quantity of liquids in your carry-on...it's just what we do now.

As I write this I am on a flight from Dallas to Oakland. I've been planning this trip for months and really looking forward to it for the last week or so. I needed to get away from myself for a while. But sitting here on the airplane, I'm apprehensive and I can't judge if I am overreacting or if I need to be shouting. I think I'm a rational person who tends to look for reasonable explanations for everything. So I will give you my set of circumstances and let you be the judge -- is this normal post-9/11 fear or am I just nuts?

I am sitting near the front of the plane, in the second row of coach in the window seat, with the middle seat empty and a nice older women sitting on the aisle. She mentioned to the flight attendant that she is going to California to visit her daughter and little granddaughter. Normal enough so far, right? Then she asked the flight attendant how many people were in the cockpit and if there were always two people or if sometimes there were three? The flight attendant told her she couldn't discuss security procedures -- Grandma seemed miffed but acquiesced anyway. As soon as the seatbelt light went off she toddled up the restroom in first class (sans shoes) and while the lav in the front is infinitely closer than the one at the back of the plane, it is mere inches from the cockpit and I'm not sure I want her anywhere near it. When she came back she pulled out her cell phone (at you know, 30-something-thousand feet) and tried to make a phone call. Who does that? Is she trying to detonate something she left in the bathroom? Should I say something? Get ready to tackle her if she does anything else suspicious? Or am I completely paranoid?

I'm sure if I was on the ground I would think this was a sweet grandmother who just needed to "go" and didn't want to walk the entire length of the plane, wanted to make sure herself that there was plenty of security up front and as she isn't wearing a watch, was using her cell phone to see what time it was. That is what normal, pre-9/11 me would have thought.

It's really sad and I know it. But just in case, I'm not sleeping the rest of the flight.

Goin Back to Cali

I'm going home tomorrow. Not "where I live my life" home, but "where my heart was born" home. This trip started out as one thing and has turned into something completely different and the closer it gets, the more I know I really, really need it. I'm going to see where little me came to be, where I fell in like (and love) for the first time and places that just make my soul feel at peace. I'm going to see how much it has all changed and grown and see friends that I haven't seen in far too long.

I have this great litte t-shirt from pieces of a girl that I will never be little enough to wear, but I love what it says so it remains in my closet...

"She wasn't afraid to travel down an open road with nothing but horizon to keep her company..."

Kiss From A Rose

I haven't posted anything about it before, but I've been dealing with an usual medical problem. I lost my ability to smell. It was so gradual I didn't really notice it happening. I've always had allergies and figured my inability to smell was being inhibited because of pollen or dust or other gross things I'm going to try to avoid mentioning here. Eventually I had other problems with my ears which led to new allergy medicine and eventually I realized -- I can't smell! Actually, what I realized was that I could smell -- but that it was all wrong. Things that should be lovely, like perfume, smelled like moldy boxes. All milk smelled odd. My dog, who smells like, well, a dog, didn't smell like anything at all. I could put my face in a bunch of flowers and get nothing.

I found a wonderful doctor and tests were run and medicine was taken. I prepared myself to have lost this sense forever -- apparently it's quite common. We were going to rule out all the scary causes and then hope it would come back. Then, suddenly, about a week ago (and only 4 days into a 12 day course of intense pharmaceutical intervention), I smelled something. Something Good. Several Something Good's, actually. Perfume. Barbeque potato chips. Coffee. Wood chips baking in the sun through my open window at a fast-food drive through. My dog. My gym shoes (ok, not all good, but you know what I mean). A basket of muffins. Clean laundry. It has become such a comical experience -- but I need to acknowledge everything I smell. (I sort of feel sorry for my coworkers -- they get an alert every time a scent gets through.)

I am so, so, so lucky. It could have been something much worse. It could have been my sight or my hearing. It could have been something wrong in my head, rather than just my sinuses. My grandmother died from brain cancer and I wasn't aware of it but her first symptom was that she lost the ability to smell. I hadn't told my grandfather any of this until it started to be resolved (I had good news and wanted to share) and I scared him so badly he hung up on me (it's all ok now).

I've started a list of things I really want to smell...rain on the pavement, cinnamon rolls, autumn, a Christmas tree. I don't know if this is something that I'll have to deal with periodically or if it's a one-time-only sort of thing. For now I'm just going to take in everything I can.

Don't Stop Believing

I didn't always love sports. As a kid the only ones I would watch on tv were figure skating and gymnastics. I realized, at age 11, that my dream of competing at the Olympics would never come true. How sad is it to have your dreams dashed at the age of 11 anyway? (Darn that Mary Lou Retton!) Years passed, I grew up and along the way I discovered you can learn to do something just because you like it; you don't have to be the best or brightest and you can settle for less than world domination. Sometimes, it's just fun. For 5 years, starting at age 24, I took figure skating lessons. By the time I stopped I had 5 different jumps. Not good ones, and I didn't exactly get airborne, but if you ever need a demonstration of a salchow or toe loop, I'm your girl.

I think that's what is so magical about the Little League World Series. These are kids who have worked hard but are still having fun. It isn't a job. Someday they will look back and have this great story about something they did when they were 12, but it won't be who they are. I love the research the announcers have on the kids -- favorite players, favorite actors, favorite school subject. Next year I would love to go see Christian play in Williamsport, but really, I'd rather see him play with his friends at home. They grow up too fast as it is.

March Madness is sort of the same thing. Of course there are guys playing who use this as their tryout for the NBA. Those guys are the reason I usually want to change the channel. I watch for the seniors who have never played on tv before, but are getting a shot at the spotlight. They don't even get 15 minutes of fame -- it's more like 15 seconds. They'll go on to be hedge fund managers or dentists who just happen to be really tall.

In a season of scandals, the worst thing that happened in hockey this summer was Eric Staal's bachelor party. A bunch of farm kids getting drunk, being loud and yelling at cars at 4 in the morning (the horror!). This isn't a story about entitled rich brats -- it's just boys being boys and I'm totally OK with it. It sounds like the worst crime committed was that horrible shirt Jordan is wearing in his mug shot. (Seriously, it's like he dressed for jail before the party even started.)

Anyone who has been here before knows I unabashedly love hockey. There is no room for ego on a hockey team. Sure, there are superstars scattered across the league, but only a few are household names. Every guy on the ice is there to support every other one -- there really isn't room for the kind of players you see in football or basketball. At the end of every playoff series, both teams live up to shake hands - no one leaves until it's over. In other sports, the team that loses runs for the locker room (to hide their tears?). Training camp is only a few days away. I can hardly wait.

Celebrity

I was recently doing a little research on Amazon.com for something I needed to buy for work. As usual, I was distracted and wandered into other parts of the site (darn heuristics!). They have a feature that lets people create shopping lists --i.e. If you like John Mayer you'll probably like Jack Johnson, etc. So I started cracking up when I stumbled across this one: 5 Pop Stars You'd Like to Make-Out With (you may use a time machine).

I'm not sure what is funnier, the idea that anyone would sit around and make that specific list (it's rather g-rated), or, the concept that you are allowed to use a time machine. Which you know, doesn't really exist (did I even need to point that out?). Funny.

All These Things That I've Done

Things I didn't do this weekend:
Finish the six (6!) blog postings I've started over the last few weeks but never finished
Write an email to an old friend that I've been meaning to write for about 2 months
Use my backyard grill (maybe that one time was enough?)
Watch any sports, other than highlights of the Little League World Series
Watch any shows I had saved in my tv (I really should just delete them -- I'm never going to watch them)
Call Kim
See the last 30 minutes of The Company because the video feed froze (I did listen though -- but I have no idea how it ended)
Work (yay!)

Things I did do this weekend:
Spent a lovely afternoon with Linda shopping for new clothes (always more fun when you have someone to shop with!)
Baked a quiche
Took a class at the gym
Had a bubble bath
Watched a movie
Read a book
Nothing, for hours at a time. It was wonderful.

Worlds Apart (Separate Ways)

A few things to preface tonight's story:

When out drinking with my friends in college I almost always drove. I had a friend killed by a drunk driver in high school and don't like to be at the mercy of other people's sobriety.

One of the "requirements" for going to school in the Bay Area is that you must develop an affinity for Journey and Fleetwood Mac.

When I was at college in Sonoma there was a group of polysci professors that gave a holiday party every year...

I only remember going to the big shin-dig once, my first year there. I drove a group of friends out to a house somewhere out in country near Sebastopol and it felt like we were out in the middle of nowhere. I had a huge crush on one of the guys in the car, but it was months (years) until that was sorted out. We drove over the river and through the woods, over the hills and around the bend through a pitch black, crystal-clear frozen night. I know there was drinking both before and during the party and one of the guys in the car (not my crush, maybe his name was Todd?) was singing at the top of his lungs with the windows opened as we sped back to town. He was sitting directly behind me in the back seat, jabbing me in the head with his finger while I drove as he sang...."If - he - e - ver - hurts - you - true - love - won't - de - sert - you - You - know - I - still - love - you...." I know this was the ramblings of a drunk kid but for some reason I always imagined he was really saying those words to me (really, he couldn't have been). It's 13 years later and I still think of that night every time I hear that song. So funny how those things stick.

Something's Missing

This week has been the perfect example of the saying...we make plans and God laughs.  I have been on vacation for the last week and had planned to write a blog a day.  Even if there are only one or two periodic readers, it feels good to get these thoughts out sometimes and feel like someone will hear me.  I traveled last weekend and made notes during the long trip home about things I wanted to write about.  The day I got home my friend Linda and I went and saw John Mayer play (and ran into people I know -- I love it when that happens as it makes me feel like I really live here now).  Then the plans all started to unravel.  I had appointments lined up every day of various types -- doctors, carpet cleaners, classes at the gym, kids hauling off furniture.  Each of my days had a plan and a purpose -- it wasn't necessarily a fun vacation but a time to handle errands and just Get Things Done (I'm borrowing Rebecca's caps).  Getting sick on day two was not part of the plan.  So, it's several days later and I'm not any better and half of the things have been done.  Progress was made and my list was too ambitious anyway.  It's the blogging thing that still had me bothered.  So much to say and no strength to type.  Really, that's just sad.

 

I leave you tonight with the set list from the show last Tuesday...

 

Vultures

I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)

Why Georgia*
Bigger Than My Body

Clarity
Belief*
Gravity

Good Love is On the Way*

In Repair*

Waiting on the World to Change*

No Such Thing*

I Don't Need No Doctor  (seriously honey, don't end your show with a song no one in your demographic knows -- I know you want to bring the blues to the masses -- just put it earlier in the show)

I'm Gonna Find Another You

 

*Yay

 

Oh wait, the title of the post is Something's Missing.  As in, the rest of the list?  So many others songs are missing from that list....Comfortable, Home Life, Tracing, 83, The Heart of Life, Stop This Train, and my favorites Neon and Love Song for No One.  That's not even figuring in the famous ones everyone knows (Daughters, Wonderland).  I guess if we had another couple of hours he could have played those too.  I think Ben Folds had an unusually long set (local boy plays at home and all that) and it probably ate into our show.  Linda spent the next two nights seeing DMB in Boston and they played a ton more songs (and their songs are long).  I guess what I'm getting around to saying is that I was gypped out of a vacation and feel like John owes me more songs.  Think I'll get anyone to pay up?