You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch

I have lost my fa-la la-la-la.

In the past 10 days I have:

• Yelled at someone to get off my lawn (ok, it was really my 6 foot tall fence that some teenage girl was using for a balance beam, in the dark no less, but I still felt like a mean old lady when I told her she needed to go climb someone else's fence)
• Told someone I couldn't be linked with them on Facebook because that's where I talk to my real friends and that I didn't want to have to censor myself (insert foot in mouth, it was a legitimate reason - I work with her)
• Had an actual meltdown and cried on my way to dinner with friends becuase I just Did Not Want To Go
• Was told I have no sense of humor (actually, wait -- I said that and the person I was talking to just agreed with me)

I have all my Christmas cards done. All the presents are wrapped and almost all delivered. I'm not traveling anywhere and only have to drive 45 minutes to celebrate Christmas with my parents (on Sunday, no less). There should be no holiday stress left but instead it just seems to be getting worse. I think I'm going completely off the rails.

What is it about the holidays that turn normally rational people into total nut jobs?

Someone Saved My Life Tonight

As is my normal condition lately, I have too much to do. It's making me grouchy. I have a to-do list at work that still has things on it from February 2007. I have a year's subscription to a genealogy site that is going to expire soon, and I only found one afternoon to investigate it. It said I was the 20th great-granddaughter of Geoffrey Chaucer. Hmmm. No time to contemplate that at all. I have tons of "projects" at work and home that a month full of Sundays could never see completed. I guess that's why it's been so hard to get excited about the holidays this year. I've got enough to balance normally without adding a bunch of parties and shopping and cooking.

I spent Thanksgiving weekend doing a variety of projects. I moved my office at work and had a bunch of work done on my car. I spent a day shopping with my mom and saw 4 movies. I cleaned my house and dragged in the Christmas decorations from the shed in the backyard, intending to spend a lazy morning decorating the next day. Instead I stayed up until 1 a.m. finishing everything -- the front yard, the back yard, the opening between the living room and kitchen (I always hang lights there), the mantle and of course, the tree. I thought that getting that done so early put me ahead of the game. I bought holiday cards (which still sit on my desk) and even made a list of people to send them to. Progress, right?

Then I got caught up in studying for my final exam and a lot of "extra" stuff going on at work and a couple of weeks slipped by. Last night my step-dad called to discuss a possible gift for my mother and I went online to investigate. Apparently there is only a WEEK to shop online to get things in time for Christmas (unless you want to pay a zillion dollars to expedite things -- by then you should just go to the mall). When the heck did that happen? We are within a week of being out of time and I completely Did Not Notice.

So this evening, on my way home from work, I was suddenly inspired. I ran to Target and did a mad-dash sweep of the store, looking for office-people presents and wrapping paper and of all things, socks, and stocking stuffers and at some point I realized you shouldn't try to do Christmas in a day. It's just no fun. I decided to go home an get organized (at least mentally) and leave the rest of the shopping for another day.

Walking towards the front of the store I passed a couple of candy aisles and saw something that just made me stop and take a deep breath. On one of the shelves I saw those books of Lifesavers -- you know the ones -- with the 10 rolls of Lifesavers in the cardboard boxes with the hinge. When I was a kid I always wanted one of those. I don't know why, I'm not particularly fond of Lifesavers and can't remember the last time I had one. For whatever reason I always wanted one and I never got one. I'm not sure how my life went from wanting something as simple as a box of candy or a new Barbie to needing a new car, trying to decide whether or not I should refinance my mortgage, and guessing which work things will get me in the least trouble if I don't do them.

I actually stood there for a minute and tried to decide whether or not I should buy one for myself now. Really, wouldn't it make everything better? I could right an imagined wrong from my childhood and move on. After all, I'm an adult and can buy myself as many Lifesavers as I may want or need. But still.....it's Christmas and a little piece of me thinks maybe, if I'm really good and get all my work done and stop complaining, that Santa might surprise me.

Thankful

OK, so I'm stealing this from Rebecca, who borrowed it from someone else, but it seemed like a good place to start.

Something functional in my house that I'm thankful for is my awesome coffee maker that does special tricks. It's not exactly as good as having someone else make it for you but it's pretty darn close.

Something about my body that I'm thankful for is my hair. It seems like other people want theirs to be like it, so I guess I'm pretty lucky to have it.

Something hard that I've been through that I'm thankful for is the robberies I lived through at the bank I worked at back in 1995 & 1996 -- I realized I'm made of much stronger stuff than I had originally thought, and that I'm pretty decisive in a crisis, even if I'm not the rest of the time. I decided then that if I could get through those brief moments, I could get through just about anything (and it has proven to be true).

Something about this country that I'm thankful for is our diversity - in the various cultures trying to live together, in our geography, all of the different religions, and in our political opinions.

Something about 2008 that I'm thankful for is my decision to finally go back to school to pursue an MBA after thinking about it for a decade.

A word I'm thankful for is altruism. It's fun to say and a pretty nifty ideal.

A sound I'm thankful for is the horn at the RBC Center when the Canes score a goal.

A place in nature I'm thankful for is Bodega Bay, California.

Duck and Cover

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
But getting over it, that takes the work

I've had too much going on lately to be able to form my own complete thoughts so I have to borrow someone else's. I've had some trouble lately and it ended badly for a friend. I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders and homework and the holidays and so many things to remember. It's just been too much.

I've also been shown incredible kindness, and patience, and a light at the end of the tunnel. Even with all of the bad in the world I have still found a lot to be thankful for.

On Love, In Sadness

The last time I wore my black coat was a long time ago.

It was cold and there as snow on the ground. I was far away from home, but somehow home at the same time.

I wore it last night to a hockey game. I had to empty out my pockets to go through security. In them, I found some pebbles, a 5-inch long stem from a rose, and a card with his name on it that I don't remember ever seeing before. I also had one of the coins I sorted with my cousins. Why isn't it with the others? I had a flag pin on my lapel, but not the special one he gave me. I had one black glove. I don't know where it's mate is and I don't remember seeing it before either. I don't even know if it's mine.

The last time I wore my black coat I was in Indiana with my family, saying goodbye to my grandfather. It was the end of winter and once I got home I hung it in the closet and left it there during the long spring, summer and fall. It's hard to believe it's already so cold again and so much time has passed.

I still really miss him.

A Change Would Do You Good

I'm excited about whatever tomorrow brings.

There's been something in the air the last few weeks. Whichever way the wind blows, it will be Different and boy, do we need Different.

Two years ago I wrote this. (I think I was two years too early.)

Dating back about 16 autumns, I've been interested in how the political system works. I had a professor make what I expected to be a boring class into something that captured my imagination and changed the way I see the world. Everyone should have one teacher in their life that does that. (Thanks Dr Brown -- Andy too!) That class led to others and eventually a move to another school and lots of new people. I worked on campaigns and felt like I really helped a couple of people get elected. I wrote a paper 12 years ago about same-sex marriage. My theory at the time was that it would be legal everywhere within 10 years, based on how the civil rights movement changed interracial marriage in the 1960s. Now that I'm a little older (and a little less idealistic) I see that my theory, while it may someday be true, is going to take a little longer. Tomorrow California voters are making a choice. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

This year in North Carolina, we became a state that mattered. I've lived here for a little more than 10 years and every election until now has been, well, kind of boring. This year we've seen the state go from red to pink to yellow (why not white?) to even shades of (Carolina) blue on some maps. With this, of course, has come an endless barrage of campaign commercials, attack ads, office arguments, visits from candidates, and rallies with tens of thousands of people attending. I stood in one line for eight city blocks to get into a rally that I drove 90 miles to see. My friend and I were so far away that we never saw a candidate or even a stage. We did see 13 snipers. It was like listening to the radio outside -- and it was worth every mile and every step.

This year I have watched a lot of new people decide to get involved in the most basic way. I have a coworker who became a citizen 8 days ago and 3 days later voted for the first time. Another friend -- and his mom -- are both voting for the first time this year. I voted early and stood in line on a Friday night. I know about 10 kids in college who are only now old enough. So many new people and they are all excited. Everyone has a story of their first election (mine was for Clinton in 1992). I am so proud of all the people who are making their stories now.

Pocketful of Sunshine

Earlier this month I spent a brief weekend in Southern California. I just dropped in to visit my friends and then check in on my "little" cousin on my way to a conference in Arizona. The thing about my little cousin: he's not so little anymore. He just started grad school in Santa Barbara. He's creating quite a life for himself and it's been so cool watching him grow up.

I told him the story about what I did when he was born -- I don't think he had ever heard it. I was 13 when he was born and I was so excited to have a new cousin. I'm an only child and Aaron's big brother is a lot closer in age to me so I wasn't as excited when he was born when I was 3 (sorry Seth!). I made a poster to hang on our front door announcing that there was a new baby boy. I'm sure our neighbors wondered what my mother had done with her invisible baby.

I spent a long morning on this visit driving through LA, north up the Hollywood Freeway, to UCSB to see him. I had the windows down and the music turned way up. If I'd been in a convertible I could have pretended I was in an episode of The Hills. It was a gorgeous day and even though I spent 6 hours driving there and back for a 2 hour visit to see Aaron, it was worth every minute.

Once I got back to OC I took my two favorite little people out to dinner and to play video games at the mall (on a school night!). All in all a pretty awesome day.

Can you imagine going to school here?

No More Words

Everyone has words that drive them a little nuts -- the fingers on the chalkboard, if you will. For a lot of people it is "orientated" -- which most of us know as "oriented."

Mine is "webinar." Anytime someone wants me to sign them up for a webinar I want to tell them I have no idea what they are talking about.

I host a lot of online meetings and training sessions at work. We used to call them "WebEx's" but that's really a brand name like Kleenex or Q-tip. It is an online meeting/seminar/presentation/whatever. When did we get so lazy that we have to shorten everything?

It's Been A While

I've been away awhile. I've spent most of my free time the last few weeks either in an airplane or with my nose in a book, studying for accounting exams. I have lots to say and 10 half-written posts that will likely never see the light of day. I'm going to try to turn a few of them into complete thoughts and post them. It's odd that I've been so silent during this incredibly interesting time....

The End of the Summer

It's going to be 76 degrees today. I couldn't be more excited about that. My favorite time of year is autumn. I fell in love with North Carolina in the fall. I fell in love with a boy (or two, or....three?) in the fall. I made new friends and started a new job and have had all sorts of things in my life start in the fall. This year I even went back to school. It seems like more of a beginning to me than a new year or the first warm day in the spring.

There was a big football game yesterday and even though I don't care even the teeniest bit about it, I probably watched because, well, that's what you do in the fall. I count down the days until Canes camp starts (it started Friday!) because I love nothing more than to be in a big room with a huge sheet of ice. I'll get a glimpse today and then I have to wait and wait and wait until my first real game on November 1st. That's practically election day -- I'll have to adopt those election countdown tickers as my own.

This summer has brought back so many long lost friends. It's really been incredible how many people have come back into my life in such a short time. I have my girls in California, more contact with my cousins and their better halves, my college roommate and now another treasured friend just this week. Of course, none of them live here so it's easier and at the same time harder to maintain. When your whole friendship exists through emails and texting and this very blog, how easy it is to put off writing and then the person just slips away. That's really not good enough.

Now that the season is changing, people are going to start to leave too. J will go back to work somewhere else is the world and my standing companion for any and every movie will be gone. L needs to go be with M, they have a wedding and a new life to plan. My nights will go back to revolving around sticks and pucks. Things will calm down and go back to normal. Whatever that is.

One Sweet World

Can you imagine a world where no one needs anything? There are 46 million people in the US who don't have health insurance. 17 million people need food in the Horn of Africa. People in Texas still can't go home. It's overwhelming to think of all the people in the world who need something. Sometimes it feels like it's just too much and that one person could never make a difference. Thank goodness that isn't true.

I've talked in this space about Kiva before, but it's been a while. In the "old days" you and several other people would each loan someone out in the world $25 and over several months they would pay it back in little bits. Once you had your $25 back you could lend it to someone else. For Americans, $25 is dinner and a movie. Recently they stopped waiting for full payment before you could loan the money out again. Almost every day I get a notice that I have $2.08 available or $3.47 -- once it adds up to $25 I can use to help another person.

Here's the thing, since they started turning over the money so much faster, they are funding their loans faster too. More and more people are lending money and more and more people are getting the help they need. In the last week more than $675k ($25 at a time!)was distributed around the world. It's just fabulous, except....they've run out of people to help. I logged in today and all of the loans have been funded. Very cool. I'm sure by Monday there will be more, but for one day it's nice to think everyone has what they need.

You Get What You Give

I spent most of this evening at a charity fund-raising event here in Raleigh. I saw something so unusual and so heartwarming I just had to share it.

The event was to raise money for Crohn's disease and Colitis. After dinner (thankfully not during) a doctor got up and made a speech about the diseases and how they really take an emotional toll of people who are afflicted and their families. It can cause depression and impact so much more than just the person's health. This definitely brought mood of the room down. The doctor then introduced the "teenage ambassador" to the group. A very poised 13 year old girl got up and made a joke about the doctor stealing half of her speech and then went on to talk about her diagnosis, hospitalizations, and eventually surgery.

This summer she got to go to the Victory Junction Gang's camp (victoryjunction.org) where she got to ride horses, go to their water park, learn archery and go fishing. In her words, for a week "she didn't have to be a freak." She asked us all to give money so other kids could get to go there too.

As she walked back to her chair she waved at the crowd and looked downright giddy. I'm sure speaking in front of 200 people was scary and she was relieved to be done. So relieved that once she got to her chair she, her sister, her mother and her father all burst into tears. Sobbing, heart-wrenching tears. Tears so messy the girls eventually had to leave.

Before she left, our MC for the evening, the incomparable John Forsland of the Carolina Hurricanes (I'm a little biased) commended her for her opening line. He said the first words you say are the most important and the way you blasted the doctor had this room in the palm of your hand (he was right). He also invited her and her family to a hockey game as his guest. That was not yet the coolest thing.

After the speeches there was a live auction, hosted by John. A lot of the items were trips and there were a few Canes things (all immediately out of my price range). One of the items was a package to visit John in the press box during a game, 2 lower level tickets and a signed jersey. Two men got into a bidding war and the price got up to about $2000. John said that if they would each give $2500 (to raise $5000) they could BOTH have the same package. Sold. Still not the coolest thing.

One of the packages was a trip to DC. One of the doctors in the room bid $500. John looked at the other bidder and asked $600? The same doctor said yes. John looked again at the other man and said $700? The doctor again said yes. John realized the doctor was upping the bid on himself and tried to stop him. The doctor acknowledged this and raised his bid to $1000. The other guy (who had last bid $400) dropped out immediately. The doctor walked to the front of the room and took the microphone from John and said that he'd happily pay $1000 but that he didn't want the trip. He gifted it to the teenage ambassador so that she could have one more good day.

That was the coolest thing I saw all day. I love that there a such kind people in the world.

Goodbye Earl

Late last night I heard the clickety-clickety-clickety of tiny feet on my wood floor. When my dog Zoey walks across the floor her claws make a similar sound, but this definitely was not her. I looked across the room and saw the biggest, ickiest bug I've seen in a very long time. It disappeared under the TV cabinet.

I thought to myself, "That was the scariest bug I've seen in a while. I hope he stays under there."

He did not.

I did what any rational woman would do and I ran upstairs and grabbed all of my big clunky shoes. To squish the bug? No. To throw them at him. This bug was so big I thought for sure I would lose a finger if I got within arm's length of him.

A few minutes later I saw him scurrying towards the couch, a trail of shoes in his wake. Now, if he had stayed hidden under the TV I would have left him alone, but there was no way I was going to go anywhere near my couch with that monster hiding within it.

I did what every bug hunter would do. I tipped the couch over on it's back and chased the bugger into the kitchen.

We were now on my turf. Better lighting. Fewer places to hide. He went under the table. I moved the chairs. He went behind the trash can. I lifted it up and put it on the counter. The cat and mouse game (or girl and bug game) moved into the foyer and eventually, the coat closet.

I created a border -- just high enough so that if my foe escaped the coat closet he would never make it back to the kitchen or living room. I opened the door and held my breath.

He wasn't behind the vacuum. He wasn't behind the steam cleaner. He wasn't behind the windshield wiper fluid or hiding under the ladder. I know this because I removed them all.

He wasn't under the folding chair. Or behind the box of painting supplies. He was running out of places to hide.

There were only 2 boxes left. I lifted the first; still no bug. I turned around to place it on the table and when I turned back he was sitting in the middle of the floor, taunting me with his bugginess. He quickly scampered back behind the final box. I slid it out of the way -- I had him cornered.

Somewhere during my chase I had picked up the 2x2 plank I use to bolt my glass doors shut. It was now my weapon and I knew how to use it.

Once the bug was on to the next world and his body had been returned to nature I surveyed the damage: the contents of the closet dragged out into the kitchen, the overturned couch, the scattered shoes. To the victor goes the reconstruction. Isn't that how it always works?

Heartbreak Town

Today I am watching it rain a thousand miles away. All weekend long I've been, well, worried. One eye on my studying and one eye on the TV. Sleeping with the TV on. Glued to the computer. I have been remembering places that I know are three years gone.

I remember wearing the absolutely wrong, hot, bulky sweater to go dancing on Bourbon Street after a long day of traveling in a van with a bunch of people I didn't know (long story). Brown Eyed Girl was playing in almost every club that we went to and Hurricanes were in every blender at every bar. One of the girls we were with lived my nightmare and sang a karaoke song that got booed. I always thought that if put on the spot I'd sing the exact same song.

I am missing a man who decided one morning he wanted to have lunch in New Orleans, so we piled in the car and drove over for the day from Diamondhead, Mississippi. After we ate we turned around and drove straight back. He's been gone for six months already. That hardly seems possible.

I know people who live there now and I'm praying they are all safe today. I guess I'm feeling sad for a place that has given me some very nice memories.

I'm Not Sleeping

A couple of weeks ago I was trying to go to sleep in Kay's bed in Southern Cal. That day I had flown across the country, gone to our reunion, out to dinner...just a very long, long day. I was so tired I couldn't sleep.

At approximately (or exactly?) 9:35pm I heard the familiar pop pop pop sizzle of the Disneyland fireworks. It almost made me cry - it was so familar and yet made me feel so old and like I had gotten so far away from who I used to be.

Sleeping in that little girl's bed, I wondered if she paid attention to those sounds of her childhood and if they were things she would remember later in her life. Will she always live in the shadow of the Matterhorn or will she explore someplace else where the night doesn't explode at precisely 9:35 every night?

No One Ever Is To Blame

From Kim after my last visit to CA: Hey there - According to Kay, YOU left fruit roll up wrappers on her floor, an empty Capri Sun container and a plate with chips and salsa!!!!!!!! LOL! LOL!

From me: That is SO funny -- when we were driving to the airport you said something about her not eating in her room and I thought -- then I wonder how that plate and cups got in there? They've been there since at least Monday -- but I didn't do it!

So...is it wrong to rat out your Godchild? I felt guilty about it for a week.

Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)

This week I am becoming a college student again. Starting Wednesday I will be an East Carolina University Pirate. I got a booklet in the mail for new students that included a 10 item list of what to do (and not do) at ECU football games. Apparently, I am supposed to hate NC State (sorry Beth) even though the feeling isn't mutual. There were cheers listed that I'm supposed to learn and traditions to upload. It was a fun reminder of all the other things you learn that aren't in books.

I'm "attending" online so this will be a lot different than my days at Fullerton and Sonoma. No roommates, no dining halls...no ditching class, no one to pass notes with in class. Should be interesting -- or at least as interesting as accounting can be.

Rainy Days and Mondays

I really did have the best of intentions. I was going to get up this morning, go to the gym and try running on the treadmill (in general, I do not run). I was going to sleep in a little, get there at 10 and do something until 11, then come home and tackle my day. But you see, early this morning there were rumbles of thunder, and then the pitter-patter of raindrops. There was a dog snuggled up next to me who is afraid of the rain. It is one of those mornings where, had it been a weekday, I would have thought it was a lovely day to stay home in bed. So I am.

Besides, somehow in this day I need to finish my laundry, make a couple of necklaces, run to the pet store, paint my toes, write about 10 emails, upload some pictures, start making piles of things to pack for Vegas (work, not play), watch the Olympics (since when do I like basketball?), watch last week’s Mad Men, watch this week’s Mad Men, and tackle the pile of work I brought home from the office. Isn’t that enough running?

Wake me up when it’s Monday. I’m going back to bed.

Photograph

Look at this photograph

Every time I do it makes me laugh

So I worried for nothing (of course). I think we all did. We spent an afternoon laughing at our former selves, the boys we used to like and gave little snapshots of who we are now. Living in NC, single, job (why can't my job have an easier name???). That's all. That's enough.

It was amazing how everyone was really the same. I didn't go to my 10 year reunion but after this weekend I think it's likely I will go to my 20th in a few years. It was just one day, but it was one day that hopefully reconnected the threads of my past and my present, and maybe those threads will reach into the future. I go back to CA often enough that I should be able to keep in touch, though it is harder from 3000 miles away (everything is).

I don't know if it's my only-childness, or my nomadic childhood, or my horrible friend-keeping skills, but it was astonishing to me that anyone remembered anything about me at all. It's completely irrational -- I remember so many details about other people it's completely normal that they would have to remember me too. It's just that I've been gone so long and was there for such a short time...it just seems like it would be forgettable. But a couple of the girls remembered my car that smelled like maple syrup, and singing Debbie Gibson songs, and there were pictures of me that I've never seen, and the core group of girls who I spent several years with were all just who I remembered them to be. I'm so glad I made the effort -- it was so worth it.

Absolutely (Story of a Girl)

If someone asked you to sum up your life, could you?

I'm headed back to So Cal in a day and will be seeing about a dozen girls I haven't seen since high school, longer ago than I care to admit. When I think back to the rose colored days of after school practices, crushes, biology tests and (really unfortunate) big hair, they were all there. It was high school, so of course it was difficult, but there were lots of good times too -- bus rides to Mt Carmel, winning gold medals (I still have mine), initiations, proms...the bad things all fade until you only remember the good.

Ever since this reunion plan was hatched, I've been trying to think of how I am going to explain who I am to these people who knew me once but now don't know me at all. Will I bring up the days at the bank that dissolved into FBI interviews and police tape? The multiple breakups with the guy they all know (and may still talk to?) or the long relationship with the one they don't? How do I explain the years of solitude? (My heart really was just that broken...) How about how I lost my sense of smell last year? How I adore my dog, bought a house, love my job, and live to watch boys on skates? How about my lack of baby pictures to show off but a love for travel that has taken me all over the country? A stronger family than I had 10 years ago and a bunch of friends I'd go to the end of the Earth for....what really is the sum of a person?

I just don't know what I'll say.

American Baby

Driving home tonight I was flying down Capital Blvd, just about the only car out there. The clock struck 9 and the sky lit up. By the time I got home I had driven past 7 different sets of fireworks from Franklin County to Wake Forest to Raleigh. It was kind of cool seeing all the small town celebrations from a distance and the bigger ones in Raleigh. Mix that with the lightning from a pretty powerful storm that just blew through and you had dueling light shows. Little dandelions of colors and then blinding white lights. Very cool.

Happy birthday America!

Bye Bye Boyfriend

Happy Canada Day everyone! Or more specifically, to the little hamlet called Edmonton, Happy Cole Day! Today my favorite hockey player was traded to a team far, far away. I wish him well and hope that he has plenty of defensemen to protect him and his precious neck. For those who aren't in on the folklore, Erik's neck was broken during a game in the spring of 2006. He recovered enough to come back a few months later in game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final. A legend was born complete with heroes and villains (boo, Orpik, boo!). Be nice to him, Edmonton.

Wherever You Will Go

I've spent the last week on vacation, basically checked out of my own life. I tried to stay up late, tried to sleep late, hung out (briefly) at the beach and spent a lot of time at the hotel pool. I had wonderful weather and really got to relax and just be quiet. It was a little lonely, but I enjoyed myself.

Driving home from Wilmington, I got on the opening onramp to I-40. The first mile marker sign I passed said Barstow 2554. Soon after I passed another that said Raleigh 123. The shorter path would take me home, but I quite liked knowing that if I missed the exit and drove and drove I'd still be headed towards home.

No Sacrifice

I listen to some music that no one else I know listens to. I am often sad that great bands who aren't celebrity driven don't always seem to make it into the public consciousness, so I buy album after album so they will know they have at least one fan out here. Sometimes, my little secrets end up turning into the Next Big Thing (see John Mayer five years ago).

Anyway, I recently got the new Theory of a Deadman cd (Scars & Souvenirs, barely in stores now). I first became aware of them several years ago during the hockey playoffs when reading a song listing on a Canadian hockey website (I really, truly am a dork when it comes to hockey. I told you.*). As a result, their music tends to put me in a hockey mood. The last track on the new cd is an absolutely perfect hockey song. Some of the lyrics:

Everybody expects me to break but I'll never break down again
Everybody expects me to give up but you'll never see me giving in
Everybody wants me to lose but I'll never lose who I am
No I'm sorry to say There'll be no sacrifice today

Really athlete-ish, isn't it? I even thought about emailing the Canes and suggesting they add this to the rotation during games (they play the same 20 songs every game and I'm a little sick of Cotton Eye Joe). I was so happy today when I saw a commercial for the OLYMPICS that used No Sacrifice. Someone else with a little pull must have heard the same thing. It just brought a smile to my face. Maybe I'm not their only fan.


*Please note it has been exactly 2 months and 1 week since my last hockey mention. I am trying. However, I'd like to point out the Canes drafted two guys named Zach this weekend, and one more named Michal Jordan. I suspect he'll play his minor league hockey for Carolina, then be traded to Chicago as soon as he makes the big team. He'll end his career playing for the Caps.

Good Stuff

In searching for the perfect post title I sometimes have to dig through my cd collection of my mp3 player. Because I was posting about girls I knew in high school I was looking for something time and place appropriate. A little web searching brought up a lit of the top 100 songs in those years (1989 wasn't such a bad year). I was horrified to be reminded of such lyrical magic as "The Humpty Dance," "I Wanna Sex You Up," and "I Touch Myself." Good times. There is also a whole lot of Mariah Carey, Paula Abdul and New Kids on the Block. Everything old is new again.

Deadbeat Club

I read an article recently that discussed how school reunions (and as a result, alumni fundraising) are hurting because of sites like My Space, Facebook, and blogs. If you don't lose touch with people in the first place, there is no mystery to push you to go to a school sponsored event, where they can then pump you for money. It's an interesting problem but I always thought reunions were more of a high school thing, and not necessarily about fundraising. Then again, I didn't go to mine and don't know if they passed the hat. My college doesn't do them.

This morning, a friend I haven't seen in 15 years or so proposed the idea of a bunch of us getting back together. (Of course, we all found each other again on My Space.) I think it would be fun -- except for the 3000 mile trip to get there -- and hope it comes together and that I'll be able to go. Most of us were in different classes so we wouldn't be going to the same reunions anyway.

It's an interesting idea, getting together with a bunch of people you haven't seen in so long. How do you catch up 15 years in one night? Or more importantly, how much weight can I lose first?

[Note: High school was all about the B52s (for dancing) and Depeche Mode (for kissing) -- I think I've since seen them both at least 5 times. The most memorable was a trip with Eddeane and Michele and 2 other random people to someplace in Hollywood. The opening act was Love Tractor. We had to leave early for my mom to drive us home. I think I got in trouble because we were late meeting her at the car.]

Every Breath You Take

Back when I was in high school Kim and I had one way to find out what everyone was up to -- you drove by their house, over and over, hoping for someone to come outside or walk past a window so you could see if they were home. OK, so it sounds like stalking but it really wasn't, and I don't think we were the only people who were doing it. For years after we would run the same path across town, going by Kari's house and Tressa's house and Jimmy's house and David's house and Gino's house (always, always Gino's house).

Age everyone a dozen years or so...people come and go and move on to the next stop in their lives. None of my friends (or non-friends, or ex-boyfriends) live in those houses anymore. I'm sure no one's parents live in those houses anymore. We've gotten past that now and when I'm home we no longer stalk the citizens of Anaheim. I don't think Kim, who still lives in the same neighborhood, ever gives a second thought to who used to live where. For me, it's the only think I think about....Deaner lives a couple of blocks over there, Jason lived in that cul-de-sac and that's the house (on a very busy street you can't avoid) where someone once asked me to marry him "someday" -- we told our parents and everything -- we were 17. The city is full of memories and when I go home I look around an wonder....

With the evolution of Google, and My Space and all those other networking sites, you no longer need to drive around wondering where everyone went. As my old friend Shelley said (who I haven't actually laid eyes on since 1992), My Space has turned into Loara Space. Eddeane still has the same car, and a half-grown son. Carrie's hair is still curlier than mine (if you can imagine that). A boring afternoon Googling random names turned up both my ex-bf's little brother's impending wedding (complete with picture of ex-bf...and his wife), as well of the wedding site of my college roommate (complete with pics of this girl I now barely recognized). The boy from half a lifetime ago is married and expecting a baby girl of his own.

Friends come and go. Some are meant to always be in your life -- you grow with each other and little disagreements are just that. Others are in your life for just a short while and serve a purpose -- for one night, at a job, for a summer, for just one year. A misunderstanding can end the whole relationship, like a collapsing house of cards. It used to be that was that -- hurt pride and days go by, a friend gets lost for good. Until a few years go by and suddenly they're back. No more wondering.


PS Will someone please post some more wedding pictures? I want to see more!

Walking in My Shoes

I walked 3 miles for all the women I care about...

...and then I came home and took a 5 hour nap.

Fixing a Hole

"Who is going to explain everything to us now?"

That was my mother's reaction this afternoon when I asked her if she had heard the news about the death of Tim Russert. She was so upset she all but hung up on me.

When I got the "breaking news" email this afternoon I actually gasped. Beth asked me, what's wrong? I almost couldn't tell her; I knew she would be as upset as I was. We sat in our office, stunned, for the rest of the afternoon. Wendy called from home once she found out about it -- all of us interested in the world, in politics, in the personalities at NBC News.

For months I've gone to my class at the gym on Tuesday nights with an eye on the clock, knowing what time that day's primary polls were closing, knowing I was going to go home and spent a cozy evening with Tim, Keith, Chris and cousin Brian.

I've had a love for politics and policy for about 16 years now -- I can trace it back to a certain day in a certain class in another life of mine. Watching MTP wasn't really a cool thing to do with my college friends -- I always felt like it was my dirty little secret. Sunday is always my "sleep in" day and somehow I am always awake in time for Tim (and on a slow news day, the Sports Reporters). It's like dessert for breakfast. Sort of like how other people like to spend Sunday morning reading the New York Times or working on a crossword puzzle. Every week I get an email telling me who is going to get grilled on Meet the Press and I announce it to anyone who I think will care. My DVR has been set to record it for a couple of years now, just in case I oversleep.

How will this ever be the same? It certainly won't be as much fun.

Blonde Over Blue

I've had this hair all my life.

Leaving Las Vegas

I'm sitting in the Las Vegas airport waiting to go home. I'm still sunburned and I'm tired - body and mind. I learned a lot of thinks I don't need to know, figured out my phone, and had my fancy dinner (stretch Hummers were involved along with a lot of food I can barely describe).

My plane will take me back to NC late (late!) tonight and I'll be headed to my parents to pick up Zoey. After sleeping in their guest bed, the hotel bed, Kaitlyn's bed and Kim's couch, it will be VERY nice to sleep in my own bed Friday night. I can't remember the last time I was so happy to be leaving Las Vegas.

*Note: I actually wrote this Thursday but for some reason it didn't post. I'm posting it now from the comfort of my own office in my own house.

Since U Been Gone

I've been away a while. I've been kind of busy...

There was the funeral. A trip to Indiana to see dozens of people I didn't know but who all seemed to care about my grandfather and my family (we should all be so lucky). Catching up with my cousins. The trip home that took an extra 9 hours.

A lot of work. A coworker and his wife (who have been friends of mine for years) leaving for El Salvador to pick up a long awaited addition to their family, but which left me with more work to do (and teach) while he was away. I'm not the slightest bit upset by it, but it has disrupted things for me. Learning lots of new things and figuring out how to change a bunch of things easily, but change is never easy, so it's taking too long...

The last days of the hockey season. For a while everything was peachy...then it wasn't. Things came down to the very last game, and then someone else's very last game before we really knew it was over. It was heartbreaking, but given all the other stuff I've got going on in my life right now, an easy thing to get over.

The decision to apply to grad school after 12 years of thinking about it. Signing up for a test I thought I could take easily then taking a practice test and finding this may be harder than I thought. Studying. Studying. Studying.

A trip to CA (I'm there now) followed by a business trip to Las Vegas tomorrow. A surprise fancy-pants dinner while I'm there that will require an emergency trip to the mall in the morning. Three little league games in one day and a trip to American Girl Place (wow).

Just lots of...stuff. A new phone, an old car, a sunburn. A new goal, a new dress, something to look forward to...just what I've been up to since I've been gone.

Where Are You Going?

Michael McCann was a great man. I adored him unabashedly. He has been my hero, my confindant, my greatest supporter and my link to a simpler, more gracious time. He grew up during the Depression and after his own father ran off, lived in a telephone office. He didn't grow up in a home with music and had a job when most kids today are playing little league.

He loved my grandmother, Betty, and through his career took her off on a life full of adventures taking them from Kokomo, Indiana, to Rio de Janiero, Tehran and Siagon. They raised two girls (one would become my mother), little diplomats in their own lives. The adventures eventually ended and Betty lost her battle with cancer, almost 20 years ago.

Though Betty would remain the great love of his life, he did marry again (twice) and spent his later years in a small town in Missouri. I've spent a lot of time there, including one week alone with him while his wife was away, just hanging out and telling stories. My favorite memory of that week was us hiding from a tornado (sirens and all) in his basement - two thrill seekers standing next to an open door with a black sky swirling outside.

All of us, mom, Gail, Seth, Aaron and I were very, very lucky to have learned so much from him about his life, the world, and how to really tell people how you feel about them. Above all, be kind, be courteous, be careful...and don't be mean.

He left us Monday. I hope that if there is a way for him to be with my grandmother again he has found her. I miss him already.

Where are you going, where do you go?
Are you looking for answers, to questions under the stars?
If along the way you are growing weary, you can rest with me
until a brighter day
It’s okay, where are you going, where do you go?
I am no superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing for sure
Is where you are, is where I belong
I do know, where you go, is where I want to be
Dave Matthews Band

Say Goodbye

Stillman, Commodore headed to Ottawa after trade from Carolina
Caniac Nation is freaking out a bit today. I came home and did what I do when hockey trades go down. I check out what the interwebs have to say.

It's never good when the trade headline give top billing to the players leaving your team. It's like, these two great guys have gone away to win where they can. Good luck with that, boys! Oh yeah, almost forgot. You get these two back in return. Good luck with that, Canes fans.

The Shot Heard Round the World

I heard the words before I realized what was happening.

"When in the course of human events..."

As soon as I heard them I stopped and stood still.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

These are words that put my life on this path. And made me fall in love with the ideas of Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Dr King.

"We mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor."

Today is Super Bowl Sunday. If you saw it you know these were read by football players, coaches, NYPD officers, soldiers. It was just a part of the pre-game hoopla. A national holiday for most -- I'm glad they threw it in. It made my day.

Tanzania

When I was a little girl I thought I was really, really lucky to be born a blonde, blue-eyed girl with two parents and that I was born in California, the best state in the best country in the world! Really, what are the odds? This wasn't a supremacy thing or anything like that, it's just that I knew there were people who were poor, or other races, or who spoke other languages or lived in someplace far away like Iowa (the horror!). I knew I had been blessed with an easy start. Statistically I had hit the jackpot. Like I said, I was little and my world view was, well, rather small.

As I've grown up, I've really come to realize I didn't have it all that wrong. I grew up with very fortunate circumstances. Sure, my parents divorced and money was an issue. But I've always had a place to live, food to eat and people who love me. I got a great education and I didn't have to take classes at night or work 3 jobs to do it. I've been unlucky in love (so far), but I have great friends and family and I always have something fun to do. I work really hard and feel like I've earned what I have.

There's still this little voice that tells me I've had things too easy, that other people have it so hard. I need to give something back and throughout the year I scatter token donations to the AHA, the ACS, and the USO (I really like buying phone cards for soldiers at the holidays). I walk for juvenile diabetes (for Beth) and for breast cancer (for Linda & Phyllis). My new favorite is Kiva (kiva.org). With Kiva, you get to lend money to an actual person to improve their life and then they pay you back and you can help someone else.

Some friends are very instrumental in raising money for Beacon of Hope, a charity in Africa. They put on a concert every year here in North Carolina to raise money for strangers, a half a world away. This year we were able to download some of the artists' songs before the show. The week before the concert I was in California visiting my old haunts, but listening to music that tied me back to this place and made me think about women a world away. Overlooking the beach at Bodega Head I marveled once again at my luck.

So lately, because of this concert and this music and this opportunity to help women so far away, I've recently chosen businesswomen to help in Tanzania. All because of one song.


Oh yeah -- and I know now that CA isn't the greatest state. And I'm actually quite partial to Canada.

Home to Me

The other day I said something about one of my agents having a client in Santa Rosa where I used to live. A couple of months before that I was rooting for Dustin Pedroia and the Boston Red Sox, because Dustin and I share the same hometown (Woodland, CA). What's funny about that is that I only lived in the city limits for 1 year, but went to school there for 7. That was my longest stretch in one spot. Sometimes at the gym I wear a Sonoma State t-shirt. I'm from Anaheim. I'm from Sacramento. For a summer when I was 14 I thought I was moving to LA (really Orange County, SO not the same thing). I'm from a tiny town in the country no one has ever heard of (Capay, CA). I'm from the Bay Area. Most simply, I'm from California.

Have you seen those commercials where the person needs their cell phone coverage to reach a made up city -- the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious of geography. THAT is where I'm from! In my life I've lived in 22 houses in 12 places. A little bit of me is from each place, but none of them are really "home."

At this time in my life North Carolina feels most like home. It should -- I've been here almost 10 years. I still don't know where most of the towns are and without my friend Beth I'd have no sense of direction or space or history of this place. I'll never be "from" here and know that no matter how slight of an accent I pick up or how many years I live here, I'll always be from somewhere else. But when I go back to CA, I'm not from there either. It's really pretty strange -- like I'm an expatriate within my own country.

I guess that takes us back to "home is where the heart is." My heart is scattered across the country and places I've never lived -- North Carolina, Virginia, Missouri, California. I guess I'm from North Calissournia.

Waiting on the World to Change

You, dear Rebecca, are not the only one who has lost their muse. I just haven't had a thing to say. I have been alternately too stressed, bored, addicted to campaign coverage, working at home, at the gym, working on an online photography store, watching the Canes stuggle, and a whole bunch of other not interesting things, all of which kept me from posting. Oh yeah, and re-learning how to knit. I don't say any of this as a means of complaint, but to explain that nothing interesting has happened lately for me to write about. Life happens for sure, but most of it is just the same thing every day with different weather and clothes.

Today there are several elections and caucuses happening. My BA is in political science and I love watching this stuff -- I've had MSNBC on for almost 9 hours already today. As I wait for the rain outside to turn to snow at 3pm (or at least that's what the Weather Channel said) I thought I'd rattle off a few random thoughts...

As a disclaimer, I've been a D since I first registered to vote in 1991 and voted in my first election in 1992. I have very good friends and relatives who are R (at work we call them Rs and Ds so as not to enflame anyone too much). Heck, I've even got L's in my family. I think I can see all sides of the issues fairly and understand the appeal of both.

Regardless of party, I want us to choose a president to make the world better. There are a lot if issues that I care about and hope the next president tries to tackle them. Global warming, health care, education, the housing crisis, poverty around the world, equal rights for all people, the war, stable relationships with the rest of the world...seems like too big of a job for one person to manage. I know there won't be any candidate I completely agree with, but I hope we hire someone who cares about those things too, and can get enough other people to work with him or her to try to make some headway in fixing all the things that seem broken.

If you haven't read Elizabeth Edwards' book, you should. She's an amazing woman who has battled through the same sorts of tragedies and difficulties as everyone else with candor and grace. Without knowing her, I feel like I do. There were experiences she detailed that were just so...normal. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family. I know people who don't like her husband because he made a fortune as a trial lawyer. Why we wouldn't want someone who was obviously very good at his job to be president?

I know the Ds will surely pick Hillary or Barack. I'm ok with that but I'm not in love with either of them yet.

I've been watching the R debates and listening to what they all have to say. There are some very interesting positions out there and I want to know as much as I can about them all to see how the final races may play out. There are things I like about most of them and a few things that bother me. I sort of like Huckabee, but I'm concerned with his idea about making the Constitution more like the bible (or something along those lines). Don't get me wrong -- I'm not slamming the bible, but one of the founding tenets of this country is the separation of church and state (I know that One Nation under God doesn't quite fit that) and that just sounds exclusionary from the first jump.

MSNBC called a winner in the Republican caucus in Nevada with only 4% of the results in. That's just silly. It will probably pan out, but to base a result on the first 1000 people seems irresponsible to me. I'd rather they get it right than get it first.

Is it really so hard to pronounce the word Nevada? Maybe it's just because I grew up in neighboring California, but really folks, it's not that difficult.

Last thought -- my R friend in Nevada better have gone to a caucus today. Put your education to work & make Andy proud. Can't you just imagine how much fun he must be having with this now? (Did you end up marrying another R?)

That's all for now -- another round of speeches is starting.

PS -- It just started snowing at 350p.